Newsletter and jokes 5 April 2024

Hi all 
With most back at school, it's mostly adults only at the movies this week. 
On the plus side, the quality of the releases is above average. 
We kick off with the family-friendly religious-themed Ordinary Angels, with 
Hilary Swank opposite Jack Reacher in a story based on true events back in 
Slumdog Millionaire Dev Patel shows off his multiple talents in front of 
and behind the camera in the gritty fight drama Monkey Man. 
Lastly we have the violent supernatural horror tale, The First Omen, with  
an 18 age restriction. 
The opera La Forza del Destino is on at selected venues, as well as  
Suga | Agust D Tour ‘D-Day’ The Movie.  
This year's Eid movie, the action thriller Bade Miyan Chote Miyan with  
Akshay Kumar, opens on Wednesday. 
Enjoy. :-) 
New this week 
* Ordinary Angels (PG7-9 D) 
* Monkey Man (16 LNSVD) 
* The First Omen (18 VH)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the home page poster  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Enjoy :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
I had an appointment to see my psychic next week. 
She called me up today to tell me I couldn't make it. 
A Boeing 737 Max flight attendant walks into a bar and orders a martini. 
"You're here later than usual," the bartender comments. "Problems at work?" 
"Yes, just as our flight was about to take off we had to turn around and  
wait at the gate for an hour." 
"What was the problem?" the bartender asks. 
"The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies.  
"It took us a while to find a new pilot." 
My super power? 
I can turn ANY jeans into skinny jeans in about a month. 
Johnny's dream was to work in the dairy department at his local super market... 
He went in and asked to speak to the manager, who informed him that the only  
open positions were as a till packer. 
"If I work real hard at that, do I have the potential to move up and  
eventually stock the dairy?" he asked. 
The manager frowned and said, "I'm really sorry son, but our policy is firm:  
baggers can't be cheesers." 
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait 
of Adam and Eve. 
“Look at their calm, their reserve,” says the Briton. “Surely they must be  
“Nonsense!” Replies the Frenchman. “They are beautiful. Surely they must be  
The Russian finally speaks, “they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple  
to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian.” 
In Soviet Russia, 3 guys are staying at a hotel.  
They're drinking vodka all evening, telling stories, and one of them gets  
tired and goes to bed. But he can't get any shut eye since his buddies are  
still yelling and drinking late into the night.  
He tells them they all have an early day tomorrow but they tell him to shut 
up. What's worse, they've started telling political jokes, a big no-no in  
Soviet times. 
So he gets an idea. 
He heads downstairs and asks the front desk lady for room service to bring  
up some tea. 
He goes back up to the room and says, "You know what, you two better be  
careful telling those political jokes, everyone knows the KGB has eyes and  
ears everywhere, even this lousy hotel. Here, I'll prove it to you..." 
He kneels down by a power outlet and speaks into it:  
"Comrade Major, we'd like to have some tea brought up to Room 10." 
His friends find this hilarious and call him an idiot while crying from  
Not 5 minutes later, there is a knock at the door and room service brings tea. 
The two drunks go pale, drink their tea in silence, and go to bed after that. 
Our guy gets a good night's rest, but when he wakes up in the morning, his  
friends are nowhere to be found. 
He goes downstairs to ask the front desk lady if she's seen them. 
"Oh," she says, "KGB agents came and arrested them before dawn." 
The man is horrified. "Will I be arrested too?" he asks. 
The lady laughs. "No no no." 
"Comrade Major really liked your tea gag."  
Somewhere over the rainbow is where you weigh a pie. 
What's Irish and comes out in the Springtime? 
Paddy O'furniture. 
I knew a guy who could show you how to decode any map. 
He was a Legend. 
To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused jury service.  
“Tell me,” rapped the judge, “is there any good reason why you cannot serve  
as a juror in this trial?”  
The man replied: “I don’t want to be away from my job that long.”  
“Can’t they do without you at work?" demanded the judge. 
“Yes,” admitted the juror. 
“But I don’t want them to realize it.” 
How do you think the unthinkable? 
With an itheberg. 

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