Newsletter and jokes 9 February 2024

Hi all 
As we head towards the Oscars, another strong contender opens today. 
The Holdovers is nominated for five Oscars, including some of the big ones, 
and has already picked up two Golden Globes as well as another 107 awards. 
The big release this week is the action thriller Land of Bad, which only  
opens Stateside next week, so reviews are scarce. 
Dune Part 2 opens next month, you can refresh your memory by catching the  
re-release of part one at selected venues, also on IMAX. 
Asia has three releases, the Hindi sci-fi rom-com Teri Baaton Mein Aisa  
Uljha Jiya (which kinda borrows a plotline from Hollywood), the Tamil drama 
Lal Salaam, and the Chinese crime comedy Rob N Roll. 
The Bob Marley biopic Bob Marley: One Love opens on Wednesday (Valentine's  
day), as well as previews at selected venues for next week's Madame Web. 
Enjoy. :-) 
New this week 
* Dune (re-release) (13 V) 
* Dune (IMAX)(re-release) (13 V) 
* The Holdovers (16 LDP) 
* Land of Bad (18 LV) 
* Teri Baaton Mein Aisa Uljha Jiya (Probably 13) 
* Rob N Roll (Probably 16 LV) 
* Lal Salaam (Probably 16 V)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the home page poster  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Enjoy :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A vegan alpha male: Alfalfa male. 
A baby tortoise was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep  
sigh, started to climb. 
About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the  
end. He turned and spread all four legs and launched himself off the branch.  
On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself  
off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb. 
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along,  
turned, spread his legs and flung himself off the branch. 
Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the  
tree, sighed and started climbing. 
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds.  
Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said,  
"Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?" 
You know how, when you die, all your friends and family sob and cry and beg  
for you to come back? 
And then, when you do, there's all that screaming and running... 
Why could the mime not find a laywer to represent him? 
Because the mime did many unspeakable acts. 
So the mime acted as his own lawyer, and immediately made a motion for dismissal. 
Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America. 
As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulder.  
The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks? Paddy replied, 
"Mobile phones." 
The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened  
each sack and sure enough both sacks contained quite a few phones.  
"What are you going to do with all these mobile phones?" asked the officer. 
"Oh, they are not for me. My mate Mick, who is in a band, knew I was going  
over to America asked me to bring him back two saxophones. 
I was reading an article about chocolate. 
The article indicated that for every piece of chocolate one eats, your life  
is reduced by 2 minutes.  
This means I have been dead since 1875. 
I don’t mean to brag but my IQ test results put me in the top 99% 
During my lunch break, I noticed my boss stepping out of his brand-new Porsche.  
I complimented him on the cool car, and he told me that if I put in more  
effort, worked harder, and achieved all my targets, he might be able to buy  
another one. 
Guy goes to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed. 
The shrink gives the guy an inkblot card and asks,  
"Look at this and tell me what you see." 
The guy studies it for a long moment and says,  
"Not 100% sure, but I think that's Card #6-A, Rorschach Series Three." 
My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology  
when we argue. 
When I fired the pool boy, she said,  
"Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good  
looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of  
your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto  
someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, because these feelings are  
just too traumatic for you to deal with." 
I said, "Honey... we don't have a pool." 
No matter how magnificent it is... 
... Never compliment a woman on her mustache. 
One day a guy decided to go to a museum of natural history. 
He was enjoying himself and was particularly amazed by the large dinosaurs  
skeletons reconstructed from their fossil remains. 
He was looking at one and saw a museum worker standing by. He asked him how  
old was this particular dinosaur. 
The guy looked at it and said, "Oh, this one. It is 64 million years and  
five months." 
"64 million years and five months!" the guy exclaims. "How can you know  
that precisely?" 
"Well, he said, "It was 64 million years old when I started working here  
and that was five months ago." 
I am driving through England on a trip and am stopping at Greenwich tomorrow. 
Not sure what to do in The Mean Time. 
OpenAI did what used to be considered impossible. 
They made people want to start using Bing. 
An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan  
appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer.  
“I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life.  
Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will  
make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul,  
your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents,  
and those of all the your friends.”  
The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?” 
I asked a 4 year old what he wanted to be when he grew up.  
He thought about it a bit and said either a garbage collector or a minister.  
Since that was a big difference I asked him why he would like those jobs.  
He said, they only have to work one day a week. 
I was at the airport waiting for my bags when I saw a man collapse and fall  
on the luggage carousel. 
I was worried, but... he came around slowly. 
The maître d' at the Last Supper said,  
"Hold on; you wanted a table for 26, but there's only 13 of you."  
Jesus said "Yeah, but we all want to sit on the same side." 

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