Newsletter and jokes 26 January 2024

Hi all 
It's basically "adults only" as far as new releases go this week.  
We cover a range of genres, including some well-rated Oscar hopefuls.  
First up is the holiday rom-com, Beautiful Wedding, which has not been well 
received, but is escapist fluff.  
The Color Purple is the musical version of the well-known book/film/stage  
play, and has very good reviews. So too with the gay drama, All of Us  
Switching back to popcorn mode, Jason Statham is back doing what he does best 
in the action thriller The Beekeeper, which has decent-to-good ratings. It's 
also on the large format screens. 
Asia has the Malayalam action drama, Malaikottai Vaaliban, while The Fighter 
in Hindi opened yesterday. 
Enjoy. :-) 
New this week 
* Beautiful Wedding (16 LNSVD) 
* The Color Purple (16 LVSP SV) 
* All of Us Strangers (16 LNSD) 
* The Beekeeper (18 LVPD) 
* The Beekeeper (IMAX) (18 LVPD) 
* The Beekeeper (4DX) (18 LVPD) 
* Malaikottai Vaaliban (Probably 13 or 16 V)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the home page poster  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Enjoy :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
I read about how in ancient Rome gladiators had a layer of fat to protect  
them in combat. 
I'm gonna start telling people I have the body of a gladiator. 
What do they call Peter Pan in China? 
Peter wok 
The Buddha walks into a Subway. 
The assistant asks how he would like his sandwich. 
Buddha replies, "Make me one with everything." 
When the sub is ready, Buddha gives him a twenty. 
"Where's my change?" 
The assistant says, "Change has to come from within." 
In the forest, the animals, bored, decide to organize a joke competition. 
To avoid terrible jokes, they set a rule: the old turtle will be the judge,  
and if she doesn't laugh, the contestant will be decapitated. 
The proud lion tells a joke about lascivious nuns. The audience bursts into  
thunderous laughter, but the turtle remains stoic, and the lion is decapitated. 
Then it's the monkey's turn, who tells a joke about gay individuals.  
Everyone doubles over in laughter, but the old turtle doesn't crack a smile.  
The monkey is decapitated. 
Next up is the hippopotamus, who starts a joke about the Chinese. Midway  
through, the old turtle bursts into laughter, bending over and compulsively  
tapping its shell, saying, 
"That nun joke was fantastic!" 
What does the YouTuber who makes videos for werewolves say in each video? 
Lycan? Subscribe! 
New guy hires on at a construction site, as general labour.  
Foreman walks up to him and three other laborers who are waiting for an  
"That stack of bricks is in the way. I need the four of you to move them to  
that spot over there, and stack them back carefully." 
The group moves to the stack and starts moving bricks. After a few minutes  
the foreman glances over toward the group, watches for a minute, and then  
pulls the new hire aside.  
"I've been watching you work with the rest of the crew. Do you notice  
anything wrong?"  
New guy says he doesn't see a problem: the stack is being moved, no bricks  
are damaged, and the new stack is nicely lined-up in the correct spot. 
"Well, you're carrying two bricks each trip and the others are carrying four  
bricks. You don't see a problem with that?" 
"Now that you mention it, those guys are too lazy to make two trips!" 
A clown opened the door for me the other day. 
It was a nice jester. 
My English teacher told me that the file I sent her was corrupt, and that  
she couldn't open it.  
I suggested bribing it. 
What do dentists call their x-rays? 
Tooth pics! 
The other night my girlfriend asked, "Can you be honest with me about  
something, babe?" 
I told her, "Sure thing, what's on your mind?" 
She asked, "Have you been seeing anyone else recently?" 
I said, "Oh come on, now you're starting to sound just like my wife." 
Liam was driving down a road through Wisconsin's Marathon County, when he  
ran out of gas. 
He sat there in the driver’s seat wondering what he should do next, being  
in such a rural area, when a bee flies in through his window. 
The insect lands on his dashboard and lifts its head to look directly at  
Liam. “What seems to be your problem?” the bee asked. 
“I’ve run out of gas,” Liam replied. 
“That’s unfortunate,” the bee said. “However, if you wait here, I can help  
The bee then flew off, only to return minutes later with an entire swarm of  
bees. They all flew into his gas tank, leaving Liam wondering exactly what  
was going on. 
After a few minutes the swarm flew off and the bee said to Liam, “Try it now”. 
Liam turned his ignition key and the car started immediately. 
“Wow,” Liam exclaimed. “What did you put in the gas tank?” 
The bee smiled and said: “BP of course.” 
I just learned that Ohio has both the highest rates of depression and the  
most cheating spouses... 
It's a sad state of affairs! 
Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice, the Justice League meets to discuss their  
plan to defeat the evil Count Dracula. 
Wonder Woman says, "The problem is, we don't know where Dracula could be  
hiding! He moves around so much, we'll never find him!" 
"I've been tracking his appearances for the past 72 hours," Batman replies,  
"and based on his movements so far, I have good reason to believe he'll be  
at the local cemetery, hiding in the crypt tonight." 
"Guys, I think I'll sit this one out," says Superman. 
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. First, a bit of a good  
You will all be on TV tonight...” 
One December day, Bratty Butchie decides to write his Christmas letter to  
Santa. When all of a sudden, his mom pops into his room. 
“What are you doing son?” she asks. 
“I’m writing my letter to Santa,” he says. 
“With how bad you’ve been this year, you’ll have to write a letter to Jesus  
to get anything!” 
So Butchie starts to write his letter to Jesus, and has to think about what  
he’s going to say. 
'Dear Jesus, I’ve been a good boy this ye-' 
“Nah,” he thinks. “If Santa knows that’s not true, then Jesus will definitely  
know I’m lying.” 
So he tries again. 'Dear Jesus, I’ve been a somewhat good boy this ye-' 
“Nope,” he thinks to himself. “Jesus is probably smart enough to know that’s  
a lie also.” 
So to clear his mind and think better, Butchie goes for a walk. 
As he’s walking down the street, he spots a nativity scene on someone’s  
front lawn. He goes up to it, steals Mary away from the manger and takes it  
As he to sits down, he has the perfect idea of what he’s going to write... 
'Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again ...' 
Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement... 
In the end, you ignore everything and click "I agree". 
I asked my neighbour if it was difficult cooking stir fry in an open field. 
“No, its a wok in the park.” 
I used to work for a lawyer.  
One time when he came back from a winter's trip to NY he said it was so  
cold there that the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets. 
A German boy is born, it's almost exactly nine months to the minute, very  
organized; ein zwei ein zwei have a baby type deal.  
Everything goes perfectly smoothly, not a hiccup... except the baby does  
not cry. The doctors check him and find him in perfect health. As the months  
and years begin to go on he continues to make no sound, and his parents take  
him to several doctors who all say there's nothing wrong, health wise or  
developmentally, so the parents just figure that's how it's going to be and  
deal with it accordingly. 
It's the German boy's fifth birthday, and it's a very normal German affair;  
the adults are drinking pilsner, and there is flaumenkuche and streudel  
being passed around.  
Just out of pure habit, the mother leans down and asks the boy,  
"Well, how did you enjoy your birthday?" 
The boy thinks for a moment, then says, "You know, I believe the streudel  
was a bit tepid." 
The room goes silent in awe. The mother begins to tear up and sinks to her  
knees to hug her boy, saying, "We all thought you could not speak! Why have  
you never, before now, said anything?" 
The boy responds, "Well, up until now everything was satisfactory." 
99.9% of people are idiots. 
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people 
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they  
never believe me when I tell them Spain. 
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision. 
My grandfather was a baker and I really looked up to him. 
He was a great roll model. 
Started dating a girl. 
I thought she might be the one. 
But after looking through her wardrobe, and finding a nurse's outfit, a  
French maids outfit, and a Police woman's uniform, I finally decided:  
If she can't hold down a job, she's not for me. 

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