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Newsletter and jokes: 31 March 2017

Hi all

School's out, enjoy...

Yes, the movies have got your entertainment lined up... for the kiddies,
for the teens, art circuit, horror, Bollywood, all covered.... :-)

Yeah I'm tired after last night's drama so I'll cut the chit chat now.

On the previews side, there are previews (2D only, oddly enough) for The 
Boss Baby, all day next Wednesday, at selected venues. See the previews 
page and remember to book.

No I don't know why Wednesday... :-)

Enjoy :-)

Released 31 March 2017

* Smurfs: The Lost Village (PG V)
* Smurfs: The Lost Village (3D) (PG V)
* Ghost in the Shell
* Ghost in the Shell (3D)
* Ghost in the Shell (3D)(IMAX)
* The Zookeeper's Wife (13 VP)
* The Bye Bye Man (16 VH)
* Naam Shabana (Hindi)

SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

Forthcoming attractions for 7 April

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


A long time ago, before supermarkets killed everything, we had home
deliveries every morning .... some notes from that time:

**Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

**Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

**Cancel one pint after the day after today.

**Please don't leave any more milk.  All they do is drink it.

** Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking
the tops off the milk.

**Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

**Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on
the dole.

**Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've
been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

**Sorry about yesterday's note, I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way round.

**When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me
because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

**Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's
Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup
of tea?

**My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver
or do I have to shake the bottle?

**Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old
and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

**Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

**Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

**From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the
days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any

**My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in
drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play 
bingo tonight.

**Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow,
for I wrote this note yesterday..

**Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper
inside the screen door.  PS  Don't leave any milk.

**No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until
further notice.


My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover
the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.


Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head
with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.


I was driving the other day and crashed through a hedge coming to rest on
the lawn.

The guy on the lawn chair helped me out of the car.

"My goodness," he exclaimed, "you're kinda old to be driving!"

"Yes, I replied, "I am old enough that I don't need a license."

"What... NO LICENSE?"

"Nope! The last time I went to my doctor he examined me and asked if I had
a driving license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors
out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces, threw them in the wastebasket
and said, 'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left."


As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came 
into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was 
intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but
 I don't think she knows how to use them.'

I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty
girls looking at me "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling
pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had
just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they
were speaking German."


I haven't checked to see if this actually works or not . . .
But they say, If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, You
should sniff some Windolene first.

It'll keep you from streaking.


Ghost in the Shell (3D)Smurfs: The Lost Village (3D)Smurfs: The Lost VillageThe Bye Bye ManThe Zookeeper's WifeNaam Shabana
Ghost in the Shell (3D)(IMAX)Ghost in the Shell
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