Newsletter and jokes: 2 December 2016
It's December again... just waiting for summer to arrive down here. Still too
much wind :-)
Anyway, over at the movies there's two big releases, one for the kiddies and
one for older teens. Also up is some family fare for Christmas, as well as
a new local comedy in Afrikaans. Bollywood has a thriller on offer, which
despite the title is not a sequel.
Lastly the filmed opera season continues with Wagner's Tristan und Isolde.
In other news, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them has crossed the half-a-
billion (dollars) mark worldwide.
M O V I E S
Released 2 December 2016
* Moana (PG)
* Moana (3D) (PG)
* Underworld: Blood Wars (16 VH)
* Underworld: Blood Wars (3D) (16 VH)
* Almost Christmas (13 L)
* Jonathan (16 L)
* Kahaani 2 (Hindi)
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)
Forthcoming attractions for 2 December.
Updated the pic and quote on the home page
This Week's pinup
Pick of the Week
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
List of all movies showing
Same list sorted by Age Restriction
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)
Ten Best Caddy Responses
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."
Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - personally, I prefer Golf."
Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the Golf course. We left that an hour ago."
And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, Sir."
After passing on, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for
a job interview with God.
God asks Bush: What do you believe in?
Bush replies: "I believe in a free economy, a strong America, The American
nation and so on ..."
God is impressed by Bush and tells him: "Great, come sit in the chair on my
God goes to Obama and ask: "What do you believe in?
Obama replies: I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc.
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: 'Well done, come sit in the
chair on my left.
Finally God asks Trump: What do you believe in?
Trump replied: "I believe you're sitting in my chair.
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
''Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence.
Before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is
my condition because this prescription is marked' NO REFILLS'.."
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too...I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue
eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
The ups and downs of strategy!
DONALD TRUMP'S FIRST DAY AT OFFICE WITH CIA FBI PENTAGON
Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.
CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them ..
Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding
from the natural gas lobby.
Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can't do that.
Trump: Why is that?
CIA: India will cut Balochistan out of Pakistan.
Trump: I don't care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons.
They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy
Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check
during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their
Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East.
Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we
wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people
will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our Stealth Drones back. If we attack them, Russia will
obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran
to keep Israel in check.
Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi'ite govt of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can't do that.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?
Trump: I am banning H1B visas.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Chief of Staff: If you do so, we'll have to outsource White House
operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
Trump (sweating profusely by now): What the hell should I do as
CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!
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