Newsletter and jokes 25 November 2016

Hi all 
The final stretch before the holidays as we continue the gradual conversion to  
American culture. Oddly enough I don't hear any local politicians deriding 
anything for being Americentric ... 
If you got some bargains today, congrats.  
Anyway, over at the movies (which, surprisingly, are NOT mostly American... :-)) 
we have the first in the prequel series to Harry Potter, which opened very well  
overseas and is also likely to do well here. 
Then we have episode 2 of the Russian-made Snow Queen series, releasing in both 
2D and 3D and English and Afrikaans. 
There's a new Afrikaans rom-com drama, and similar fare on the art circuit. 
Lastly two movies from India, one Hindi and one Tamil, and yes, it's SRK ... 
Enjoy :-) 
M O V I E S 
Released 25 November 2016 
* Fanstastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (PG10-12 V) 
* Fanstastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (3D) (PG10-12 V) 
* Fanstastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (4DX) (PG10-12 V) 
* Fanstastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (3D)(IMAX) (PG10-12 V) 
* The Snow Queen 2 (PG7-9 V) 
* The Snow Queen 2 (3D) (PG7-9 V) 
* Die Sneeukoningin 2 (PG7-9 V) 
* Die Sneeukoningin 2 (3D) (PG7-9 V) 
* Vir die Voƫls (PG10-12) 
* Maggie's Plan (13 L) 
* Dear Zindagi (Hindi) 
* Kodi (Tamil)  
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)  
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.  
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)  
Forthcoming attractions for 2 December.  
Updated the pic and quote on the home page  
This Week's pinup (for the gals)  
Pick of the Week  
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?...right where you left it. 
My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me! 
I want to say hello but there's just too much history between us. 
Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep  
with their wives! 
There's a lot of talk these days about 'Fake News'. In truth the mainstream 
media have a lot to answer for. As shown in this little story... 
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a 
little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by 
the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, 
under the eyes of her screaming parents. 
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square 
on the nose with a powerful punch. 
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and 
the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. 
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the Harley 
rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man 
do in my whole life.' 
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind 
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as 
I felt right.' 
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a 
journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the 
front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political 
affiliation do you have?' 
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist 
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings 
news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: 
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days. 
It was the happiest day of my life. 
Arrived at the church, husband waiting at the altar, 
Walked up the aisle, kissed him on the cheek, smiled........ 
And closed the lid. 
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a 
Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, 
"this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!" 
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the Car, 
he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and 
three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. 
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't Understand, I 
was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" 
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know 
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other 
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit Exactly.. 
Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. 
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 Was 
the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the Woman 
grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. 
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. Is everyone in this car 
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole 
time," the officer asks. 
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde 
jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show 
her husband that blondes really are smart. 
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a 
couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves 
for work, she gets down to the task at hand. 
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. 
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a 
pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather 
jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She 
replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to 
prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it 
by painting the house. 
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies 
that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said.... 
You'll love this.... 
Yep. I know you will... 
A young couple moves into a new neighbourhood. The next morning while they 
are eating breakfast, The young woman sees her neighbour hanging the wash 
outside. "That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She doesn't know how 
to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband 
looked on, but remained silent.. Every time her neighbour would hang her 
wash to dry, The young woman would make the same comments. 
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a Nice clean wash on 
the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash 
correctly. I wonder who taught her this." The husband said, "I got up 
early this morning and Cleaned our windows." And so it is with life. What 
we see when watching others Depends on the purity of the window through 
which we look. 

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