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Newsletter and jokes: 8 July 2016

Hi all

This week's big release is another treat for the kiddies, the 5th installment
of the popular Ice Age franchise hitting the screens. It will face tough
competition from Finding Dory, which has now been at the top for 3 weeks and 
pushing R30 million in box office takings. 

Speaking of the box office, The Dressmaker has been in the Nouveau top ten for 
21 weeks now, which puts it in the all-time top ten (in terms of length of stay).
Its run is likely coming to an end soon, so if you haven't seen it yet, make a 
plan... :-)

Over in the US, Finding Dory has also been at the top for 3 weeks, but will be
dethroned this week by The Secret Life of Pets, after seeing off Tarzan's 
challenge last week.

Speaking of Tarzan, it opens here next week, and there are previews next 
Thursday (mostly at the high-end ie 3D, 3D IMAX and 4DX) if you want to sneak
a jump on your buddies.

This week, apart from Ice Age, there's a new rom-com (which we haven't had in a 
while) which did okay overseas, doing better in the UK than USA, featuring 
Emilia Clarke, who you may knew better as Daenerys Targaryen in Game of Thrones.

The rest of the lineup is smaller releases, with two arthouse movies, one of 
which will probably go straight to number 1 on the Nouveau charts, even if it
is not the best opening this week... thank the nudity for that :-)


Released 8 July 2016

* Youth (13 LN)
* Miles Ahead (16 LVD)
* Me Before You (PG7-9)
* Elvis & Nixon (PG10-12 L)
* Mr. Right (16 LV)
* Ice Age: Collission Course (PG)
* Ice Age: Collission Course (3D) (PG)
* Ice Age: Collission Course (3D)(IMAX) (PG)
* Ice Age: Collission Course (4DX) (PG)

SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

Forthcoming attractions for 15 July.

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (for the gals)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


Brexit could be followed by Grexit, Departugal, Italeave, Czechout,
Oustria, Finish, Slovakout, Latervia and Byegium. Only Remania will stay.


One of the English national daily newspapers asked readers "What does it
mean to be English?"
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a chap in Switzerland
stood out:
"Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American or
Australian shows on a Japanese or Korean TV which will soon be powered by a
Chinese nuclear power station.
And the most English thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign."


Those were the days ...

** Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

**Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

**Cancel one pint after the day after today.

** Please don't leave any more milk.  All they do is drink it.

** Milkman, please close the gate behind you, because the birds keep
pecking the tops off the milk.

**Milkman, please could I have a loaf, but not bread today.

**Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house, but two sons on
the dole.

** Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby, and
I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

**Sorry about yesterday's note, I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way round.

**When you leave my milk, please knock on my bedroom window and wake me,
because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

**Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed last night's Coronation
Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

**My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver,
or do I have to shake the bottle?

**Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old,
and did not know about it, until a neighbour told me.

**Please send me details about cheap milk, as I am stagnant.

**Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

**From now on please leave two pints every other day, and one pint on the
days in between, except Wednesdays and Sat*rdays, when I don't want any

**My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in
drawer, and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play
bingo tonight.

**Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I
wrote this note yesterday..

**Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out, and put
newspaper inside the screen door.  PS  Don't leave any milk.

**No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either, as he is dead until
further notice.


Archived from the memorial service for Ronald Reagan at the National
Cathedral, and noticed that Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.

It is said that President Ronald Reagan, who never missed a chance for a
good one-liner, raised his head out of his casket and said...

"I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together."


A woman goes into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre...
So he gave her one.

I met a really nice girl the other night, we really hit it off. It seems
the chemistry was just part rohypnol, one part chloroform.

Sort of like that never fail pickup line...
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?


A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'.
Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the
prettier my mum gets.'
-- Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television
when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
-- Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and
takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
-- Grady, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the
more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
-- Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes,
so he shouldn't have too much.
-- Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he
danced right into the pool.'
-- Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the
sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
-- Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
-- Shirley, 7 years old

And the best response ...

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.
Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his
bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
-- Jack, 7 years old


You've got to ask yourself what kind of parents name their child Doug Hole.
They either have a very wicked sense of humour or they didn't really think
it through properly.

Either way, they're not alone; a study has revealed the most unfortunate
names in the UK and joining Doug Hole on the list are
Justin Case, Hazel Nutt and Stan Still.

The list of names was uncovered by researchers from parenting group after trawling through telephone records.

Retired RAF airman Stan Still, 76, from Gloucestershire, has said his name
has been a "blooming millstone around my neck my entire life. "When I was
in the RAF my commanding officer used to shout Stan Still, get a move on'
and roll about laughing," he said. "It got hugely boring after a while."

Mr Hole of Penrith, Cumbria, did not want to comment on his name. "I don't
want to be involved just because I have an unusual name," he said.

However Rose Bush from Coventry said: "I love my name. I always get
comments about it but they are always very positive."

A spokesperson for TheBabyWebsite said: "Parents need to think carefully
when choosing names for their children.
"Their name will be with them for life and what may be quirky and fun for a
toddler might be regretted terribly when that person becomes older or even
a grandparent perhaps."

Here's the full list of unfortunate names from the UK: Stan Still, Helen
Back, Doug Hole, Terry Bull, Tim Burr, Rose Bush, Pearl
Button, Will Power, Barry Cade, Mary Christmas, Chris Cross, Teresa Green,
Ray Gunn, Jo King, Sonny Day, Justin Case, Lee King and
Max Power.

A similar search in the US found these: Bill Board, Anna Prentice, Annette
Curtain and my personal favourite Carrie Oakey.

Ice Age: Collision Course (3D)(IMAX)Miles AheadIce Age: Collision CourseIce Age: Collision Course (3D)Me Before You
YouthIce Age: Collision Course (4DX)Mr. RightElvis & Nixon
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