Newsletter and jokes 24 May 2024

Hi all 
Most important elections in 30 years next week, don't waste your vote :-) 
We have not one but two highly rated movies this week for your viewing  
pleasure. The big one is Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga, saddled with an 18 age  
res, while Hit Man is more accessible, though at fewer venues, with a 16  
limit. Both have found favour with press and publc alike. 
For the kiddies, we have a long overdue Garfield movie which failed to  
impress the critics.  
For nostalgia buffs, the re-release of the popular rom-com Notting Hill is 
on at selected venues. 
No previews this week. For those busy with exams, all the best :-) 
New this week 
* The Garfield Movie (3D) (PG7-9 V) 
* The Garfield Movie (PG7-9 V) 
* Notting Hill (A) 
* Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (18 LVP) 
* Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (IMAX) (18 LVP) 
* Hit Man (16 LSVDP CT)   
Forthcoming attractions  
Updated the home page poster  
List of all movies showing  
Same list sorted by Age Restriction  
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
Enjoy :-) 
Cheers, Ian 
A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down. 
He pulls over and after messing about with the engine trying to fix it,  
covering himself in oils and grime, he calls for a mechanic, they tell him  
they can come in just under an hour to asses the situation. 
Dismayed, he also calls his boss to let him know what has happened. His boss  
informs him that the destination of delivery is simply up the road and asks  
him to carry the coffin the rest of the way. Upset but recognising the fact  
that he has nothing better to do, he picks up the coffin and starts dragging  
it with him up the road.  
A police officer sees this and approaches him, asking "what are you doing  
with that coffin? Where are you going?". 
Already upset with the situation, the man responds, "I didn't like where  
they buried me, so I'm moving!" 
My coworkers just voted me as “The most secretive guy at the office”. 
I can’t tell you... how happy that makes me feel. 
Two guys were robbing a liquor store. 
When one grabs a bottle and asks, "Is this whiskey?" 
The other says, "Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank." 
A fashion designer once produced a dress that was a blend of Indian and  
Polynesian styles.  
She called it her sari sarong number.  
WIFE: “Dear, tomorrow is our 10th anniversary. Shall I kill the turkey?” 
HUBBY: “No, let him live. He didn’t have anything to do with it.” 
“Our child has a great deal of will power.” 
“Yes, and even more won’t power.” 
After a young lawyer had talked nearly five hours to a jury, who felt 
like lynching him, his opponent in the case, a grizzled old veteran of the 
legal cockpit, rose, smiled sweetly at the judge and jurymen, and said: 
“Your Honour, I will follow the example of my young friend who has just  
concluded, and will submit the case without argument.” 
Sign on the wall of an Army mess hall:  
‘Don’t Waste Food — Food Will Win the War.’  
Beneath it someone had scrawled:  
‘That’s fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat here?’ 
Comedian Rodney Dangerfield recalls the time he “got no respect,” as he puts  
it, on a blind date. 
I waited for two hours on the corner.  
A girl walked by.  
I said, ‘Are you Louise?’  
She said, ‘Are you Rodney?’  
I said, ‘Yes.’  
She said, ‘I’m not Louise.’ 
A reporter asked the centenarian the inevitable question:  
“To what do you attribute your long life?” 
“Not sure yet,” the old-timer replied. “I’m still negotiating with a mattress  
company and two breakfast-food firms.” 
At college, our class leader used to write a proverb on the blackboard 
every morning. Once she wrote: ‘Empty Vessels Make Most Noise.’ 
Late that afternoon, someone scrawled beneath it:  ‘Empty Stomachs Too’. 
Love is blind, friendship tries not to notice. 
My youngster came into the house with a black eye, bloody nose and all the  
marks of a tough fight. 
As I was patching him up, he said, 
“Gosh, Dad, what a fighter! Last week when I challenged Jimmie to a duel 
and gave him the choice of weapons, gee whiz, I never thought he’d use 
his sister.” 
In my class of seven-year-olds I always teach the students not to interrupt  
when I’m working with a reading group.  
The day Jessica, a conscientious child, approached the reading table, I knew  
she must be coming about a serious matter. 
Visibly upset, she whispered, “Mrs Cerrone, David called me the E word.”  
Having taught for several years, I knew a lot of unspeakable words, but I  
couldn’t recall any that began with that letter E. Finally I asked,  
“Jessica, just what is the E word?”  
After a dramatic pause, she said with great seriousness, “Ignorant.” 

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