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Newsletter and jokes: 10 November 2017

Hi all

Weather is heating up down here in the Cape ... looks like summer might be
really hot. At least the cinemas are air-conditioned ;-)

Post-Halloween/October we roll out TWO horror films, one being the latest
episode in the ongoing Amityville sage, while the other has had a somewhat
controversial reception... certainly not everyones' cup of tea.

Staying on the dark side, we then have two films looking at what happens
when polite society breaks down, in the form of Tulip Fever and Suburbicon.
Fans of the current bitcoin craze would do well to familiarise themselves
with the tulip bubble, and ask themselves what's different with the crypto

Suburbicon has frustrated many people, given the level of talent and Big
Names involved... it set the wrong sort of records when it opened last 
week in the States. 

Then we have a Chinese action film, which is actually a sequel but is 
considered strong enough to release here even if we missed out on episode

Lastly we have more positive fare in the form of a religious-related film,
and this week's off-beat Bollywood romance.

On the previews side, there's a single preview for next week's big release,
Justice League, at Eastgate next Thursday evening.

Also on circuit we have the BANFF Mountain Film Festival, and the opera 
Norma. Enjoy. :-)

Released 10 November 2017

* Amityville: The Awakening (13 LVH)
* mother! (16 LVH)
* All Saints (PG)
* Tulip Fever (16 NS)
* Suburbicon (16 lSVPD IAT)
* Wolf Warrior II (18 LV)
* Qarib Qarib Singlle (Hindi)

Forthcoming attractions

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


Two ladies, lifelong friends, find themselves single after their failed

They are excellent supports for one another and enjoy one another's company
to get over their separations.

One day, after a long boozy lunch they find themselves back in Betty's home
and Jane realises that maybe the friendship is going to go in a new

"Jane", says Betty, "Can I be frank with you?"

"No, I'll be Frank".


I just got back from the ATM.
An old lady was having trouble and asked me if I could check her balance.
So I pushed her over.


Your guide to dogs.

The fact that I am generally covered with dog hair and have a bit odeur de
kennel about me has caused a lot of people to ask me what kind of dog they
should get for themselves. So with a little help from my friends I present
the following list.

Pugs are very cute and a natural choice if you want a dog that makes more
weird breathing noises than a TB ward

Labs - Labs are great, water proof and brush clean easily, most are made
out of polyester.

German shepherds are smart and easily trained, some people, however,
find the goose stepping disturbing.

Great Danes - Scooby Doo lives - Loving huge friendly smelly,
everything a person could want in an indoor farm animal.

Terriers, secret caffeine addicts that rarely slow down to a run. Come in
about 50 different flavors, all of which are completely wired.

Pit Bulls nice friendly loving animals that never do anybody any harm (the
pit bull anti-defamation league insisted on me saying that, or they
promised to break my knees)

Mastiff - a Huge loving Huge lazy Huge drooling Huge family loving
Huge dog. You should probably get yourself a large and very strongly built
sofa before hauling one of these rhinos home with you.

Border Collie at least 30 IQ points smarter than your teenager - you have
to keep them busy at all times or they will begin to plot a coup.

Dachshunds - according to the Insurance Institute the most claims filed for
dog attacks are caused by dachshunds. They have heard all the wiener dog
jokes and don't want to hear any more out of you.

Chihuahua My first experience with a Chihuahua was when it peed on my shoe.
You may not get off so easily . It has been suggested that Chihuahuas are
not actually dogs but a species of rodent related to the South American
variety of Rattus.

Husky - a husky need a lot of exercise, let one drag you around the
neighborhood twice a day and they are fine dogs.

Australian Shepard (called that in the US, we can't get anything straight).
Another one of the freakishly intelligent dogs.  Keep in mind that if this
pup had vocal cords you would be working for him.

Greyhounds, I know a greyhound, lays around all the time, eats anything
never gains an ounce, don't you just hate people like that?  I bet other
dogs talk bad about greyhounds behind their backs.

Shelter Dogs, all shelter dogs are Labrador retrievers or whatever kind of
dog the worker thinks you want. God bless the workers at the shelters but
remember they are trying to find dogs homes. If they tell you it's a lab
and it looks like a pit bull, I bet you can guess which one it probably is

Rottweiler, a Doberman that has been hitting the gym.  A surprisingly good
house pet if you don't mind them strutting around and showing off their
muscles in various 'poses'.

Shih Tzu - another dog that's heard all the jokes it needs to hear, at
least it's too small to do as much damage as a dachshund.

Poodle a surprisingly smart and trainable dog. Avoid the infamous poodle
cut or the beast is likely to kill you in your sleep.

Beagle - sadly very few of these dogs set on the roof of their dog house
and pretend to be World War 1 flying aces.

Collie - absolutely the choice for families with particularly dim-witted
and clumsy kids who keep falling down holes.  A border collie would written
off little Timmy season 1.

Pomeranian - a puffball, this is the choice for faux painting, be sure to
use latex paint. Wash and dry before putting it away for the day.

St Bernard - all the 'advantages' of a Mastiff AND it is socially
acceptable to equip it with a good stiff drink

The Mutt - usually from a shelter - From its wet nose to its wagging tail
will worship the ground you walk on, eats anything and has the constitution
of a cast iron frying pan.  If people had the sense dogs do they would
spend thousands of dollars on mutts and the shelters would be full of pure


An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the
Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired gruff Marine
Corp Sargent Major of thirty years' service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck's to meet a friend for
coffee.  While awaiting her friend's arrival, she exercised her new skill
by sending her husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping, send
me your dreams.  If you are laughing, send me your smile.  If you are
eating, send me a bite.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are 
crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded:  "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."


The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength
of the lifeboats.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror

Having more money doesn't make you happier.  I have 50 million dollars but
I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

We are here on earth to do good unto others.  What the others are here for,
I have no idea.

In hotel rooms, I worry.  I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

Home cooking.  Where many a man thinks his wife is.

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part
of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.


If you are depressed, you are living in the past. 
If you are anxious, you are living in the future. 
If you are at peace you are living in the present.
 Lao Tzu

All SaintsQarib Qarib SinglleSuburbiconmother!Tulip Fever
Amityville: The AwakeningWolf Warrior II
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