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Newsletter and jokes: 1 September 2017

Hi all

The film industry is going through a bad time at the moment, particularly
in the USA, where they've had a dismal summer season and several bombs
at the box office. By way of illustration, the top-grossing new movie
last weekend only made $4,730,038, enough to land it at number 3 on their
top ten. Even worse, the Mayweather vs. McGregor bout, which had a big
screen outing Stateside, landed at number 9 on the top ten.

This weekend is not looking any better, despite it being a 3-day weekend,
where the biggest new release is a re-release of Spielberg's "Close 
Encounters of the Third Kind". 

In response, Hollywood *seems* to have decided that early reviews of the 
new releases are affecting business, and now they are putting embargoes
on the press, so that they may not publish reviews until the film opens.
I know this is true for at least one upcoming film, but judging by the 
situation on RottenTomatoes, where 4 out of 5 movies scheduled for 8
September have no score yet, it looks like it could be so.

In truth this goes back to the situation of my youth, where reviews only 
got published on the Friday the movie opened. No Internet back then :-)
We'll have to see how this situation plays out. It makes life difficult 
for me because I now have to do extra work filling in the gaps on my movie

Anyway... what's up this week? We kick off with action hero Tom Cruise back
doing what he does best (charming action), in a film about the CIA's drug
business. And surprisingly for recent Cruise movies, the critics loved it.

Staying with the action, we have Bruce Willis (starting to show his age)
doing what he does best, with help from a Star Wars refugee.

On the comedy side, we have two offerings, one falling into the adult
chick-flick category and the other a rom-com.

For the *little* kiddies, we have another Thomas the Tank Engine film,
while the IMAX venues are showing the pilot of the upcoming "Marvel's 
Inhumans" TV series.

In limited release, we have "Sleight", about a young street magician forced
to use his talents to rescue his sister.

Lastly the Indian subcontinent has three offerings (Hindi, Hindi, Urdu)
spanning the romance, comedy and action thriller genres.

On the previews side there are a handful of previews next Wednesday for 
The Dark Tower (based on the novel by Stephen King). See the previews
page and remember to book.

Released 1 September 2017

* American Made (16 LSD)
* First Kill (16 LV)
* The Bounce Back (PG10-12 LS)
* Fun Mom Dinner (16 L)
* Sleight (16 LV)
* Marvel's Inhumans (IMAX)
* Thomas & Friends: Journey Beyond Sodor
* Shubh Mangal Saavdhan (Hindi)
* Baadshaho (Hindi)
* Punjab Nahi Jaungi (Urdu)

SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

Forthcoming attractions for 15 September

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


Spring is sprung (possibly) ... 

Ek vermoed mense loer my af terwyl ek stort want die heel oggend al kry ek 
boodskappe en mense wat vir my sĂȘ "wonderlike lengte", "pragtige lengte", 
"fantastiese lengte", "heerlike lengte"....

Deep thoughts...

What if my dog only brings back the ball because he thinks I like throwing

If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word "ascent":  the s or the c?

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called
double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

The word "swims" upside-down & backwards is still "swims".

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today
everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are
probably already dead.

If you replace "w" with "t" in what, where and when, you get the
answer to each of them.

Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.


A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He
immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"

A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.

As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why
he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse".

'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"


In honour of golf.

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
Author Unknown

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up
Author Unknown

I've spent most of my life golfing. the rest I've just wasted.
Author Unknown

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Raymond Floyd

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they
are out having fun.
Jim Bishop

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it
in one afternoon on the golf course.
Hank Aaron

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five
Paul Harvey

Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the
clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Billy Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined
to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf
Ben Hogan

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat
until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
Chuck Hogan

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still
Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Harry Vardon

Golf is a game in which one endeavours to control a ball with implements
ill adapted for the purpose.
Woodrow Wilson

A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.
Author Unknown

Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
Author Unknown

Born to golf. Forced to work. (sometimes with "to pay for habit" included.)
Author Unknown

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.
Author Unknown

Golf and s*x are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures ... and not in still waters.
Author Unknown

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it
straight, it's a miracle.
Author Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve
your lie.
George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a
Author Unknown


In her own eyes, Suzy was the most popular girl around.

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."

'Really?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to


"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the
life-insurance salesman asked his client.

"What do you mean?" countered the woman.

"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?"

The woman thought a minute then brightened up and said,

"A poodle, I think..."


A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a
man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of
minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"

"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United
States Senate?"

"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right.
I'll trust you anyway.


I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet, which had a "Tested to British
Safety Standards" sign on it.

Underneath someone had scrawled: "So was the Titanic."


A big Texan is walking down the main street of Dublin when he encounters
Paddy standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.

This prompts the Texan to attempt to realize a lifelong dream and he says
to Paddy, "Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like
to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and
hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy
that horse off of ya, how much ya want fer it?"

Paddy says, "O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he
don't look too good these days."

"Hey, Boy," says the Texan, "Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin'
horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't
nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name
yer price and we'll get along fine."

"I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye
don't want any part of 'im," says Paddy.

The Texan is getting angry now. "Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be
the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price
and I'll pay cash right here and now."

"Oh well," says Paddy, "Two-thousand of your American dollars then."

"Deal!" says the Texan and he hands over the money, Paddy unties the horse
and the Texan leads him off.

The horse walks smack into the first lamppost in the way, and the Texan
turns to Paddy and says, "Hey, Boy, you a durned swindler,
you didn't' tell me this here horse was blind!"

"I keep tellin' you he don't look too good," says Paddy, "and you kept
saying that's none of my business, so I gave up."

Shubh Mangal SaavdhanThe Bounce BackThomas & FriendsFun Mom DinnerPunjab Nahi JaungiAmerican MadeFirst Kill
SleightBaadshahoInhumans (IMAX)
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