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Newsletter and jokes: 18 August 2017

Hi all

It's a mostly adult week at the movies this week, as far as the new 
releases go.

We kick off with last week's number 1 at the US box office, the next 
instalment in the ongoing "The Conjuring" series, and take a look back
at the beginning of the story of Annabelle. 

This week's big release is an action thriller with well-known names but
has had a tepid response from the critics, and even the studio has modest
expectation for the US opening this weekend.

Then Oscar-winning director Katherine Bigelow takes a look at civil unrest
back in the late 1960s, in a film which I thought would be on the art
circuit, but isn't, and in some ways mirrors current events now taking
place in the USA. 

From the South African side we have a comedy about a pair of hapless
friends who get in way over their head with the wrong sort of people. 

We round out the lineup with Charlize Theron's new movie Atomic Blonde
getting a one-week headstart at the IMAX venues (before wide release next
week), and a family drama about whether family or work is more important.

Lastly Bollywood has another comedy for us.

On the previews side, there are two premiers next Thursday night for the 
2D version of Atomic Blonde, and a few at selected cinemas next Wednesday
night for the upcoming local comedy The Bounce Back. See the previews
page and remember to book.

On the business side of things, Despicable Me 3 has now surpassed episode
2, and Finding Dory, and is closing in on The Minions (from the same 
series). It's currently sitting at number 6 on the all-time Top 10 earners
in South Africa.

Released 18 August 2017

* The Hitman's Bodyguard (16 LV)
* The Hitman's Bodyguard (4DX) (16 LV)
* Detroit (16 LVP)
* Atomic Blonde (IMAX) (16 LV)
* Annabelle: Creation (13 VH)
* Finders Keepers (13 LSV)
* A Family Man (16 L)
* Bareilly Ki Barfi

SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

Forthcoming attractions for 1 September

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (full HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


This came from a U.S. soldier's wife.  It says it all:

"I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government
underwent a peaceful transition of power a few short months ago ...

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Donald Trump took
his Oath of Office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Soldiers, in
full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President.

It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.

Every one of them missed him..."


Since all the "kids" have all their little codes...
like BFF, WTF, LOL, etc. here are some codes for seniors:

ATD- At the Doctor's
BFF- Best Friends Funeral
BTW- Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT- Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM- Covered by Medicare
CUATSC- See You at the Senior Centre
FWIW- Forgot Where I Was
FYI- Found Your Insulin
GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA- Got Heartburn Again
HGBM- Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO- Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL- Living on Lipitor
OMSG- Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU- Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
WAITT- Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA- Wet the Furniture Again
WTP- Where's the Prunes
WWNO- Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI- Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!


A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.
"The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a
man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of
About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong
out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the
last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3
wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this


When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.



Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs


A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work, and everyone was
encouraged to bring their children.

All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three -year-old girl stared
at the man sitting across from her.The girl could hardly eat her food from
staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair
in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to
just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet
for her response.

The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"


"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and
she wants to marry me."

"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me alone!!"


The father grew increasingly displeased as his teenage daughter and her
boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience
shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door.
Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

"I have to ask you to move your car," the father told him.

"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"

"No," he replied, "it's parked in the wrong driveway."


Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded
up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery'.

'What's dat?', says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut', says Paddy.

DetroitA Family ManThe Hitman's BodyguardAtomic Blonde (IMAX)The Hitman's Bodyguard (4DX)
Annabelle: CreationFinders KeepersBareilly Ki Barfi
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