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Newsletter and jokes: 23 June 2017

Hi all

Transformers 5 opened on Wednesday, but has had a harsh reception from
the critics, and the masses are not too impressed either. Looks like it
may end up joining Tom Cruise's Mummy as a big loss for the studio.

This week's new releases are not going to win any Oscars... a rather low-
key week as we head for the holidays. The one Bollywood release may kick
up a storm though, given the star-studded cast.

On the previews side, there are a few previews for the Tupak Shakir biopic
All Eyez on Me next Wednesday, see the previews page and remember to book.

Released 23 June 2017

* The Promise (13 V)
* Everything, Everything (10)
* Tubelight (Hindi)
* Vanamagan (Tamil)

Released 21 June 2017

* Transformers: The Last Knight (PG10-12 LV)
* Transformers: The Last Knight (3D) (PG10-12 LV)
* Transformers: The Last Knight (3D)(IMAX) (PG10-12 LV)
* Transformers: The Last Knight (4DX) (PG10-12 LV)

SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

Forthcoming attractions for 30 June

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (for the teens)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


And it came to pass, in the land of Britain, that the High Priestess went
unto the people and said, Behold, I bring ye tidings of great joy. For on
the eighth day of the sixth month there shall be a general election.

And the people said, Not another one.

And they waxed wroth against the High Priestess and said, Didst thou not
sware, even unto seven times, that thou wouldst not call a snap election?

And the High Priestess said, I know, I know. But Brexit is come upon us and
I must go into battle against the tribes of France, Germany, and sundry
other holiday destinations. And I must put on the armor of a strong
majority in the people’s house. Therefore go ye out and vote.

And there came from the temple pollsters, who said, Surely this woman will
flourish. For her enemy is as grass; she cutteth him down. He is as straw
in the wind, and he will blow away. And the trumpet of her triumph shall
sound in all the land.

And the High Priestess said, Piece of cake.

And there came from the same country a prophet, whose name was Jeremy. His
beard was as the pelt of beasts, and his raiments were not of the finest.

And he cried aloud in the wilderness and said, Behold, I bring you hope.

And suddenly there was with him a host of young people. And he said unto
them, Ye shall study and grow wise in all things, and I shall not ask ye
for gold. And the sick shall be made well, and they also will heal freely.
And he promised unto them all manner of goodly things.

And the young people said unto him, How shall these things be rendered,
seeing that thou hast no money in thy purse?

And he spake unto them in a voice of sounding brass and said, Soak the
rich. And again, Pull down the mighty from their seats.

And the young people went absolutely nuts.

And they hearkened unto the word of Jeremy, and believed. For they said
unto themselves, Lo, he bringeth unto us the desire of our hearts. He
cometh by bicycle, with a helmet upon his head. And he eateth neither flesh
nor fowl, according to the Scriptures. For man cannot live by bread alone,
but hummus is quite another matter.

And the High Priestess saw all these things and was sore. And she gathered
unto her the chief scribes and the Pharisees and said unto them, What the
hell is going on?

And they said unto her, It is a blip, as if it were a rough place upon the

But they said unto themselves, When the government was upon her shoulders,
this woman was mighty. But now that she has gone abroad unto every corner
of the land, she stumbleth. For surely it is written that ruling and
campaigning are as oil and water, and there shall be no concord betwixt

And the chief scribes wrote upon tablets, saying, Jeremy is false of
tongue. He hideth wickedness in his heart. And his sums do not add up.

And nobody paid any attention.

And the elders rose up and said to the young people, If ye choose Jeremy,
he will bring distress in your toils and wailing upon your streets. Do ye
not remember the nineteen-seventies?

And the young people said, The what?

And the elders spake again, and said to the young people, Beware, for he
gave succour in days of yore to the I.R.A.

And the young people said, The what?

And the young people said, Jeremy shall bring peace unto all nations, for
he hateth the engines of war that take wing across the heavens. And he
showeth respect for all peoples, even unto the transgender community.

And the elders said, The what?

And it came to pass that the heathen of this land came among the people,
with fire and sword, and slew many among the faithful. And great was the

And the High Priestess waxed exceeding wroth and said to the people, Fear
not. For I shall bind your wounds and give ye shelter from the heathen, and
shall take up the sword against them.

And there came again pollsters from the temple, who said, Will the people
not vote for her in this hour of need?

And nobody paid any attention.

And it came to the vote.

And the elders went up to vote, and the young people. And the young people
were as a multitude. And in the hours of darkness there was much counting.
And the young people watched by night, and the elders went to bed.

And there came in the morning news that the High Priestess had vanquished
the prophet Jeremy. But the triumph of the High Priestess was as the width
of a nail. And she was vexed.

And the elders and the chief scribes and the Pharisees spoke among
themselves, yea, even in the corners of their houses.

And there was great rejoicing amidst the multitude of the young. And they
took strong wine, and did feast among themselves. And there were twelve
baskets left over.

And of the pollsters there was no sign.

And the people saw Jeremy and said, Surely this man has won? Doth he not
skip in gladness like a young hart upon the hills?

And there was great murmuring among the elders. And they said unto
themselves, Weep not. For the High Priestess doth but prepare the way.
Cometh there not one who is greater than she?

And they said, Behold, for the hour of the redeemer is upon us. And his
name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, the Prince of Peace. And they
cried in one voice, Boris.

And the young people said, Oh, s*!te.

And the people gave tongue, and made supplication unto the Lord, saying,
Lord, let our cry come unto thee.

And the Lord thought the whole thing was absolutely hilarious.

And then the people said, Lord, what shall we do regarding Brexit? For
henceforth the High Priestess shall be as weak as a newborn lamb. How shall
we hope for continued access to the single market?

And the Lord said, The what?

From The Donald.

"I met with Pope Francis today. He's a really great pope; great, great
pope. You know he's the leader of the Catholic Church; big church. I
couldn't believe it when he told me how many Catholics there are. Way more
than I thought. They have churches all over the world; some are very, very
close (so close) to my hotels and golf courses.

"He took me into the Sistine Chapel. Beautiful ceiling. I don't think too
many people even know about this place. The paintings are great, I'm
telling you. The Pope (great guy, by the way, knows more about the Bible
than almost anybody, we got along great, I think he really likes me) told
me the whole thing was painted by this young Italian; I think his name is
Michael Angelo. At least that's what Francis (we're great friends) called
him, I think. Trust me, we're going to hear more about him. He's really
artistic, and everybody tells me I have the greatest eye for the best art.
I told Frank I'd like to buy some of Mike's art. I asked him if Mike's done
anything on velvet. He'll check (great guy). I'll hang his stuff at
Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower. He needs more exposure. He's too much with the
churches. He could paint my presidential portrait on the Capitol Dome. Or
maybe a mural on my big, beautiful border wall, but just on our side.

"Unbelievable. The fake media is at it again. I just saw something on TV
that Michael died 450 years ago. Sad. I've already got some people looking
into this and you won't believe what they're finding."


Improve your vocabulary.

A place where women curl up and dye.

The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Cold Storage.

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

An insect that makes you like flies better.

A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

A grape with a sunburn.

A story you tell to one person at a time.

The pain that drives you to extraction.

One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

An honest opinion openly expressed.

Something other people have....similar to my character lines.


In youth, the days are short and the years are long.
In old age, the years are short and days long.

The PromiseVanamaganTubelight
Everything, Everything
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