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Newsletter and jokes: 17 March 2017

Hi all

It's pretty much an adult weekend at the movies this week, which for some
lucky people is a four-day break. 

The headline release is chapter two of the John Wick saga, featuring high
action. We stay on the action theme with local release Jagveld (based on 
the novel by Deon Meyer), then mix in some romance and fast cars for
Bollywood release Machine. Finally we ramp up the tension with Miss Sloane,
local release The Tribe, and Bollywood's Trapped.

On the previews side there are previews on Tuesday for Disney's upcoming
live remake of Beauty and the Beast (which might possibly rewrite the March
opening record books Stateside, where it opens this weekend), as well as
the genre-bending Get Out, which has solid scores from the critics and 
public alike.

Enjoy :-)

Released 17 March 2017

* John Wick: Chapter 2 (16 V)
* Jagveld (16 LV)
* Miss Sloane (13 LS)
* The Tribe (16 LSVD)
* Machine (Hindi)
* Trapped (Hindi)

SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

Forthcoming attractions for 24 March

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (full WQHD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


Bob stood over his tee on the 450-yard 18th hole for what seemed like an

He shifted on his feet, looked up, looked down, shifted again, but didn't
start his swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I
want to make a perfect shot."

"Good grief!" his companion explained. "You don't have a snowball's chance
in hell of hitting her from here."


A rewrite of an oldie...

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of 

He was driving along near the campground when he heard a frantic commotion
just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts,
 sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and 
trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go 
Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into
the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from 
the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off 
the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their 
pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the 
back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I  give
you my blessing for your brave actions! "  he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between
Republican loggers and  Democratic environmental activists, but now I've 
seen with my own eyes  that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy ? 
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact  with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he  don't
know squat about bear hunting.  By the way, is the bait still alive or do
we need to go back to California and get another one ?


Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget
what that purpose was?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing
through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind,
separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files
away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate
for the new locale. It's not aging, it's the door!

Thank goodness for studies like this.


One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home. While walking
down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and saw old
Frank sitting up in bed pretending to drive.

She then asked, 'Frank, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to
The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.

The next night as she walked past Franks room she saw the same thing.

Again she asked, 'Frank, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to
Toronto, it's a two day trip you know!'

The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds .

Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in.

She saw Bill pretending to dance with someone. She then asked,
'Bill, what are you doing?'

Bill replied, 'I'm dancing with Franks wife, he's gone to Toronto for a
couple of days...'.


Hi Bob,

I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she
goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when
she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight
I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of
someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her
purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline
crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld
or do I need to replace the whole bracket?


Quiz shows etc...

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.

Presenter: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er... Three?

Presenter: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan.

Presenter: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can 
fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


MachineJagveldTrappedThe TribeMiss Sloane
John Wick: Chapter 2
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