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Newsletter and jokes: 23 December 2016

Hi all

Long time since we've had a four day weekend. I trust those of you doing the
Christmas thing are all sorted ... shops were quite busy today ;-)

This week sees the videogame-to-movie Assassin's Creed, as well as a new 
foot-tapping animated treat for the kiddies. Rounding out the lineup we have 
an Afrikaans teen rom-com-drama, and a sports biopic from Bollywood.

There are previews all over all day Monday for the sci-fi rom-drama Passengers, 
in both 2D and 3D. See the previews page and remember to book.

Note that the local Top Ten lists have been suspended until next year.

Enjoy :-)


Released 21 December 2016

* Assassin's Creed
* Assassin's Creed (3D)

Released 23 December 2016

* Sing
* Sing (3D)
* Jou Romeo (PG)
* Dangal (PG7-9)

SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

Forthcoming attractions for 30 December.

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (for the gals?)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


Dennis was down at the local police station wanting to talk to the burglar
who'd broken in his house the night before.

The desk sergeant was adamant. "No. You'll get your chance in court, sir."

"No, no, you don't understand," Dennis said. "I want to know how the hell
he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that
for years!"


"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in
the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and
pushed me!"

"We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial
flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons."
~ Alfred E. Neuman

"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."
~ Will Rogers


One day I was reading a newspaper. On page two was a picture of a famous
politician and his gorgeous wife.

Slightly jealous of the politician, I turned to my wife and said, "It's
unfair that the biggest jerks in the world catch the most beautiful

My wife smiled and replied, "Why, thank you dear."


A young girl boards Flight BA3345 from Heathrow to New York and finds a
seat in 1st class. As the Stewardesses check all the passengers, one
Stewardess asks the young girl for her ticket. The young girl hands over
her ticket, to which the Stewardess replied: "I'm sorry, but you are sat
in the wrong seat" in a helpful manner.

"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a
Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. The Stewardess
was surprised at the young girl's answer, so she decided to call the Senior
Steward. The Senior Steward decided that nobody was getting a free upgrade
to first, so she also informed the young girl that she had sat in the
wrong seat and was to sit in economy at the rear. "I'm young, blonde and
beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a
millionaire!" replied the young girl in a firmer tone.

The Senior Steward thought that this might be a job for the Co-pilot, so
she asked the Co-pilot to try to resolve this matter. Therefore, the
Co-pilot decided to have a go to see if he could move the young girl.
"Excuse me
Miss, but you're sat in the wrong seat" said the Co-pilot. "I'm young,
blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and
marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl. "I'm sorry Miss, but if you
don't move to your proper seat, I'll have to ask you to leave the
aircraft" replied the Co-pilot. "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm
going to New
York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl.
Being new to this game, the Co-pilot decided to consult the Captain.

"Let me sort her out" said the Captain. The Captain then approached the
young girl and whispered in her ear. As the Captain returned to the Flight
deck, the young girl got out of the seat and proceeded down the aircraft
towards her proper seat. "Cor, what did you say to her?" asked the
To which the Captain replied:  "I told her 1st class wasn't going to New


After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to
live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to The
Villages, in Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted
green to look like grass.. They ride around on their bicycles and wear
name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't
do them very well..
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out,
and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the
people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get
out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my
retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people
out, so they can visit their grandchildren.


Jou RomeoDangal
Sing (3D)Sing
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