Newsletter and jokes 16 December 2016


 
Hi all 
 
The final stretch to Christmas sees Hollywood rolling out the big holiday 
releases, kicking off today with the latest installment in the Star Wars saga. 
There's more to come ... Assassin's Creed lands on Wednesday, with the  
animated musical Sing opening next Friday. Speaking of Sing, I see it has been 
nominated for a Golden Globe as best animated movie (and for best song). There 
are previews all over all day today (mostly 3D but some 2D) for this film 
so enjoy ... 
 
The only other new release today is a seasonal comedy about Christmas, but it's 
not family fare.... 
 
Also up over the next few days is the next in this years Ballet series, The  
Nutcracker. 
 
On the technical side, Nu Metro has opened South Africa's first Laser Projection 
cinema, which also features Dolby Atmos 360 degree sound sytem, for the best 
possible movie experience. It's at their Canal Walk venue. Yes, ticket prices 
are higher than regular. 
 
Last bit of trivia: Felicity Jones is working overtime this week, appearing in  
both Star Wars and Inferno. 
 
Enjoy :-) 
 
M O V I E S 
 
Released 15 December 2016 
 
* Rogue One: A Star Wars Story 
* Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (3D) 
* Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (3D)(IMAX) 
* Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (4DX) 
* Office Christmas Party (16 LNSD) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm  
 
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit) 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm  
 
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm  
 
Forthcoming attractions for 15 December. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm  
 
Updated the pic and quote on the home page 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/  
 
This Week's pinup 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (wallpaper)  
 
Pick of the Week 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm  
 
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm  
 
List of all movies showing 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm  
 
Same list sorted by Age Restriction 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm  
 
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
 
Cheers, Ian 
 
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A little puzzle for you. 
 
355 = 524 
1235 = 2521 
1143 = 17212 
850 = ? 
 
I came up with a complex solution which involved putting arithmetic signs 
between the digits to make the two sides equal, but the required solution is  
much simpler, and more English than maths.... solution below. 
 
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An oldie .. 
 
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - 
couldnt concentrate. 
 
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldnt hack it, so 
they gave me the axe. 
 
Next I tried working in a silenceer factory but that was exhausting. 
 
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldnt cut it. 
 
Then I tried to be a chef (figured it would add a little spice to my 
life) but I just didnt have the thyme. 
 
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I. couldnt cut 
the mustard. 
 
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasnt 
noteworthy. 
 
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. 
 
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. 
 
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasnt up to 
it. 
 
So then I got a job in a fitness center, but they said I wasnt fit for the 
job. 
 
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking 
and I was discharged. 
 
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a 
historian until I realised there was no future in it. 
 
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was 
always the same old grind. 
 
So I retired and I found I'm a perfect fit for this job. 
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing. He replied that 
he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel 
under a constrained environment". 
 
I was impressed...... 
 
On further enquiring I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water .... 
Under his wife's supervision. 
 
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So The Donald was elected, and as you may know, many celebrities and snowflakes 
are now faced with the prospect of making good on their pre-election blackmail  
promises and moving to Cananda (but curiously, not to Mexico, where it's much  
warmer...) 
 
 
The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border 
into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential 
campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear 
they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to 
the Constitution. 
 
 Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of 
sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and 
"green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night. 
 
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood 
producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red 
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.   "He was cold, exhausted 
and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken.  When I 
said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my 
screenplay, eh?" 
 
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher 
fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that 
blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers 
in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about 
smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into 
electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left 
to fend for themselves after the battery dies. 
 
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an 
Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle 
of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was 
a nice little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.  When liberals are 
caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear 
persecution from Trump high-hairers. 
 
Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education 
camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the 
Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy. 
 
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the 
border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to 
buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young 
vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began 
stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como 
and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. 
 
"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, 
we become very suspicious about their age," an official said. 
 
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are 
creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara 
Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading 
jazzercise apps to their cell phones. 
 
"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy 
just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.  "After all, how many 
art-history majors does one country need? 
 
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Solution to puzzle: 
 
The first number is the time (eg 3:55).  
The second number is how we say it (eg 5 to 4). 
 



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