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Newsletter and jokes: 29 July 2016

Hi all

There's two big releases this week, aimed at different markets, but both are
reboots of a popular franchise. Enjoy.

Also up are two South African films, one conveniently timed for next week's 
elections. The other takes a look at the life of reknowned comedian Pieter-Dirk

Rounding out the lineup are a well-rated arthouse release, and some action from

Next week Thursday sees what looks like a big launch event for Suicide Squad,
but only at Mall of Africa. I'm not sure if this will be open to the general
public, or limited to a select group. 


Released 29 July 2016

* Jason Bourne (13 V)
* Ghostbusters (PG7-9 VH PPS)
* Ghostbusters (3D) (PG7-9 VH PPS)
* Ghostbusters (3D)(IMAX) (PG7-9 VH PPS)
* Ghostbusters (4DX) (PG7-9 VH PPS)
* Captain Fantastic (13 L)
* Wonder Boy for President (13 L)
* Nobody's Died Laughing (PG7-9 L)
* Dishoom (Hindi)

SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

Forthcoming attractions for 5 August.

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (another full HD wallpaper for the gals..)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in
his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath
of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead
in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police
station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and
would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognisingthe
Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father,
replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment..........

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."


A rerun of an oldie, which may or may not be useful to you... 

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread
gossip around.

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you
know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass
a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about
Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first
filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to
tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what  you are
about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes
that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still
pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter  of
Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful
to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True
nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was
a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging 
his wife.


I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called

That way everyone in the country can get wasted drinking Responsibly.

And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans
with the slogan "please drink Responsibly".

Probably will annoy the government as well.


An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to
zip down.'



A little known fact...

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet
was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important.


When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 18 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I was lucky to find a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 32 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless so I decided to
find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am much older and wiser now. I'm looking for a girl with large breasts.


Another oldie, for the elections next week...

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
for the cost and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money  from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.  The next
morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a
dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. 

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very
happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his
shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 
'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.' 

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to
pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very
happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open
up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament. 


DishoomGhostbustersGhostbusters (3D)Nobody's Died LaughingGhostbusters (3D)(IMAX)Captain Fantastic
Jason BourneWonder Boy for PresidentGhostbusters (4DX)
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