Newsletter and jokes 1 July 2016


 
Hi all 
 
It's been one of those days ... hence the late mailer. 
 
Anyway the holidays continue with two big releases for the young ones. There's 
also smaller releases for the adults, including one well-rated South African 
film on the art ciruit. 
 
Apologies if anyone got caught out by the 3D version of the Ninja Turtles, it  
was as a result of misinformation and confusion upstream from me. It's only 
releasing in 2D. 
 
In the USA, Finding Dory continues to dominate and is expected to keep the  
#1 spot for the third week. It's also doing well here. 
 
This year's Eid release opens next Wednesday with perennial favourite Salman 
Kahn showing off his wrestling skills (and bod). 
 
No previews this week, unless you're in Zim. 
 
M O V I E S 
 
Released 1 July 2016 
 
* The BFG: Big Friendly Giant (PG) 
* The BFG: Big Friendly Giant (3D) (PG) 
* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (13 V) 
* The Endless River (16 SV) 
* Woodlawn (PG10-12 P) 
* Fathers & Daughters (13 LSD) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm  
 
SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit) 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm  
 
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm  
 
Forthcoming attractions for 8 July. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm  
 
Updated the pic and quote on the home page 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/  
 
This Week's pinup 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for the gals)  
 
Pick of the Week 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm  
 
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm  
 
List of all movies showing 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm  
 
Same list sorted by Age Restriction 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm  
 
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
 
Cheers, Ian 
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
A rewrite of an oldie: 
 
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a 
Double-Decker bus for a weekend  trip to Louisiana . 
 
The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rode on 
the top level. 
 
The brunette team down below really whooped it up,  having a great time, 
when one of them realised she hadn't heard anything from the blondes 
upstairs.  She decided to go up and investigate. 
 
When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, 
staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them 
with white knuckles ... 
 
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?  We're having a 
great time downstairs!' 
 
One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... 
 
'YEAH SURE, YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER' !! 
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
I finally saw that Harry Potter film. 
 
I couldn't understand what all the fuss was about, it seemed a little 
unreal to me. I mean, come on, a ginger headed kid with TWO friends? 
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
Another oldie ... (decent jokes are a bit scarce these days....) 
 
 
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Ronald McDonald House. 
Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, 
pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. 
 
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing 
those nails away?' 
 
Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them 
have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' 
 
Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't 
defective! They're for the other side of the house!' 
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? 
 
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.' 
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her 
index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor 
asked her. 
 
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 
 
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off 
your finger?' 
 
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I 
thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting 
myself in the chest.' 
 
'So then?' asked the doctor. 
 
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to 
get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 
 
'So then?' 
 
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud 
noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger. 
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
I have kleptomania, 
but when it gets bad, 
I take something for it. 
 
 
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! 
Except that one where you're naked in church. 
 
 
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. 
 
 
Kinky is using a feather. 
Perverted is using the whole chicken. 
 
 
Heaven is Where: The Police are British, 
The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, 
The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss. 
 
Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The 
Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and 
It's all organized by the Italians. 
 
 
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! 
 
 
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. 
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 
 
In just two days from now, 
tomorrow will be yesterday. 
 
 
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory 
 
 
The statement below is true. 
The statement above is false. 
 
 
I may be schizophrenic, 
but at least I have each other. 
 
 
I am a Nobody. 
Nobody is Perfect. 
Therefore I am Perfect. 
 
 
Dyslexics Have More Nuf. 
 
 
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, 
how was the play? 
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
Last knock at the blondes. 
 
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his 
way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, 
he yells to the server, 
 
'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?' 
 
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice 
the woman next to him says, 
 
'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that 
you're blind -- that you should know five things: 
 
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat. 
 
2. The bouncer is a blond girl. 
 
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate. 
 
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter. 
 
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler. 
 
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' 
 
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 
 
'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' 
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
Eye halve a spelling chequer 
It came with my pea sea 
It plainly marques four my revue 
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. 
 
Eye strike a quay and type a word 
And weight four it two say 
Weather eye am wrong oar write 
It shows me strait a weigh. 
 
As soon as a mist ache is maid 
It nose bee fore two long 
And eye can put the error rite 
It's rare lea ever wrong. 
 
Eye have run this poem threw it 
I am shore your pleased two no 
It's letter perfect awl the weigh 
My chequer tolled me sew. 
 
 
 
 
 



Xax International logo
 Xax International
 2019
 All rights reserved.