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Newsletter and jokes: 2 April 2015

Hi all

The traffic out of Cape Town was already almost bumper to bumper by around 
3PM yesterday, and I saw several people doing stupid things ...  if you're 
on the roads over Easter please be careful...

Which of course brings us to Fast & Furious 7... was Easter really the 
best time to release a movie like that? However it's got good ratings and 
the whole Paul Walker thing going for it, so it should do well...

There's also local Afrikaans rom-com Strikdas, and the Disney live-action 
version of Cinderella for the kiddies.

On the previews side, the new Nicholas Sparks adaptation The Longest Ride 
is screening at select venues next Wednesday ... see the Previews page and 
remember to book.


2 April 2015

* Komban (Tamil)
* Nannbenda (Tamil)
* Detective Byomkesh Bakshy! (Hindi)
* Cinderella (PG) 	
* Strikdas (PG)
* Inherent Vice (18 LNSD) 	
* Fast & Furious 7 (13 LV)
* Fast & Furious 7 (IMAX) (13 LV)

SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)

Added US and UK Top Tens

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

Forthcoming attractions for 10 and 17 April

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week's pinup (desktop for the gals)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian


It was the last day of school before the Christmas break, and a
kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's
son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I
know what it is.
Some flowers."

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her
gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held
the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the
leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine? "she

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to
her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?

"With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"


Dear Abby...


Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man
go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure
the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money
with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I
get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an
hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in s*x
to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in s*x and he
is a doctor. Now what do I do?


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.   My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"My land!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.


Sam stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed an
eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't
start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked,  "What in the world is taking so

"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Sam explained.  "I
want to make a perfect shot."

His companion exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her
from here."


Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.  One of them kept
complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to
my situation."

"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got
married and got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my
stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father
became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her

"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was
my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of
my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the
grand-father of my half-brother."

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a Baby. Now the half-sister of my
son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my
stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my
father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"

"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!"


Success is not the key to happiness.

Happiness is the key to success.

If you love what you are doing, you will be happy and successful ...

Inherent ViceFurious 7 (IMAXFurious 7Detective Byomkesh Bakshy!StrikdasNannbendaKomban
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