The Moviesite Updates, 22 March 2013

Written by admin on 22 March 2013 – 10:40 -

Hi all

We’ve had staggered releases the last three days. This week is also short
due to Easter next week, with the new movies opening next Thursday.

There are previews all over all day Sunday for The Croods, … see the
previews page and remember to book. :-)


Released 20 March

* Identity Thief (13 LSV)
* Jack the Giant Slayer (PG10-12 V)
* Jack the Giant Slayer (3D) (PG10-12 V)

Released 21 March

* Rangrezz (Bollywood)

Released 22 March

* Chimpanzee (PG)
* One in the Chamber (16 V)

SA Top Tens (commercial, nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)

Added US Top Ten.

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre,
Movies@, and Menlyn Park drive-ins.)

Forthcoming attractions for 28 March

Updated the pic and quote on the home page

This Week’s pinup (for the gals!)

Pick of the Week

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.

List of all movies showing

Same list sorted by Age Restriction

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating

DVDs and BluRays:

New releases will be up later at

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads… :-)

Cheers, Ian


Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a
new discount item: Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail
chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to
produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand
into their shopping carts but, ‘There is a market for inexpensive wine,’
said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas ,
Bentonville. ‘However, branding will be very important.’

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for
the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can’t Believe it’s not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat
(Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don’t bother writing to tell me that this is a hoax. I know Squirrel
is not a red meat.


A Maori and an Aborigine entered a chocolate shop

As they were busy looking around, the Aborigine stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the Aborigine said to the Maori “Man, I’m the best
thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can’t beat that.”

The Maori replied: “You want to see something better? Let’s go back to the
shop and I’ll show you some real stealing.”

So they went up to the counter and the Maori said to the shopkeeper: “Do
you want to see some real magic, man?”

The shopkeeper replied: “Yes.”

The Maori said: “Give me one chocolate bar.”

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.

The Maori asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.

He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: “But where’s the magic?”

The Maori replied: “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find all three
bars of chocolate.”


There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband…

For example…

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Hi Darling”, he says, “Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them
stay in our bedroom. Did you say “hello”?


Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal Pistol!

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter
by a woman against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest calibre you trust to protect yourself?

The Beretta Jetfire:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a
huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where.
She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely
“If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here
today! Just one shot to my boyfriend’s knee cap was all it took! I was able
to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It’s one of the best
pistols in my collection”


Tony, a Lebanese businessman, talks to his son:

Tony: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: I will choose my own bride
Tony: But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter
Son: Well, in that case…

Next Tony approaches Bill Gates
Tony: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry
Tony: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case…

Finally Tony goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Tony: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.
Tony: But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case …


An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial
pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

“Chief Two Eagles” asked one official, “You have observed the white man for
90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances You’ve seen
his progress, and the damage he’s done.”

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly
replied; “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes,
no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, Medicine
Man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex.”

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled ….. “Only white man dumb enough to
think he could improve system like that.”

P.O. Box 484, Sanlamhof 7532, South Africa
The Moviesite at
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