The Moviesite Updates, 28 December 2012

Written by admin on 28 December 2012 – 12:56 -

Hi all

2012 has finally come to an end, without Planet Earth / all life as we
know it disappearing, which I suppose is a good thing.

This week sees two very good new releases. Please take care over the
New Year … this time of year always brings out the weird drivers who
do crazy things on the road…

Note: have not received last week’s Top Ten movies. UK Top Ten is also
not yet available.

M O V I E S

Released 28 December 2012

* In Darkness (16 LNSVP)
* Jack Reacher (13 LV)
* Silver Linings Playbook (13 LV)
* Adventures in Zambezia (A)
* Adventures in Zambezia (3D) (A)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US Top Ten.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre,
Woodlands, and SK and Menlyn Park drive-ins.)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 4 and 11 January
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week’s pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for the gals)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

DVDs and BluRays:

New releases will be up later at
http://www.moviesite.co.za/videos/new.htm

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads… :-)

Cheers, Ian

—————————————————————————

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute
glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a
condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.
‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’
pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’

—————————————————————————

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and
asked him, “Grampa, what is couple s*x?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she’s old enough to know to ask the question,
then she’s old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave
nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the
joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask
this question, honey?”

The little girl replied, “Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a
couple secs.

—————————————————————————

DOGS TOP 10 PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. Blaming your f@rts on me … not funny … not funny at all.

2. Yelling at me for barking … I’m a friggin’ DOG, you IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly
whose walk is it anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose … stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we
chew your stuff up when you are not at home.

6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud
moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

7. Taking me to the vet for the ‘Big Snip’, then acting surprised when I
freak out every time we go back there.

8. Getting upset when I sniff your guests’ crotches. Sorry, but I haven’t
quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Idiot!

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth,
you’re just jealous.

—————————————————————————

Irish father O’Malley got up one fine spring morning and walked to the
window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and
noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He
promptly called the local police station. The conversation went something
like this …

“What a grand mornin’ it is! This is Sgt. Flaherty – how might I help ye?”

“This is Father O’Malley at St. Bridget’s. There’s a jackass lying dead on
me front lawn. Would ye mind sending a couple o’yer lads to take care of
the matter?”

Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit, so he said “Well,
now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the
last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O’Malley
replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the
next of kin.”

—————————————————————————

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival
the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to
eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route,
he noticed that the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was
in at the hotel and called her, wondering what had happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed,
“one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says
‘Do Not Disturb’!”

—————————————————————————

Insurance excuses ….

“The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye
on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.”

“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”

“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised
the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim
form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was
given by the other party? A: Moo.

“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.”

“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her
to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.”

“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into
the rear of second car.”

“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”

“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”

“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”

“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached
an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the
other car.”

“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
gave way causing me to have an accident.”

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.”

“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by some stray cows.”

“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t
have.”

“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.”

“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.”

“As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where
no stop sign had ever appeared before.”

“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.”

“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that
I had a fractured skull.”

“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
when I struck him.”

“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.”

“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of
my car.”

“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth.”

“The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the
way when I struck the front end.”

“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in
a bush with just his rear end showing. ”

“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to
what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going
the opposite way.”

“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it
was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several
times before.”

“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed
into the other car.”

“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the
corner without giving a signal.”

“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if
the other driver had been alert.”

“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The
driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”

“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.”

“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid
by steering it into the other vehicle.”

“My car got hit by a submarine.” (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner
that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and
parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced
ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a
section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the
compensation claim.


P.O. Box 484, Sanlamhof 7532, South Africa
The Moviesite at http://www.moviesite.co.za
South Africa’s greatest movie site.


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