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Newsletter and jokes: 16 June 2016



Hi all

Lots of goodness on offer this week (with the occasional low-brow release for 
those who prefer that... ).

The big release is of course Finding Dory, which, given the stellar reviews
overseas, is set to do well.

The Nice Guys got good reviews but for some reason didn't appeal to the masses.

There are some previews next Thursday night for Independence Day: Resurgence, 
but only the 3D IMAX version ... see the previews page and remember to book.

Lastly the Durban Film Festival is in full swing, why not go and see the sort 
of movies that you would never watch otherwise? You might be pleasantly 
surprised :-)

M O V I E S

Released 16 June 2016

* Finding Dory (PG)
* Finding Dory (3D) (PG)
* Finding Dory (3D)(IMAX) (PG)
* The Nice Guys (16 LNV)
* Keanu (16 LVD)
* Equals (PG10-12 SV)
* Hello, My Name is Doris (PG10-12 L)
* A Hologram for the King (PG10-12 LND)
* I Am Wrath (16 LV)
* Udta Punjab (Hindi)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, Nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 24 June.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for the guys)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter
if she could escort me on a tour of the city, and if she'd give me her
mobile phone number so I could call to make arrangements.

She got real excited and said: "S*X, S*X, S*X, WAN FREE S*X FOR TONIGHT"

I replied: Darn, you Chinese women are really hospitable . . .

A guy standing next to me heard what I said, and told me that what she
really said was 666136429.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mate has two tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but he is getting
married on that day and cannot attend.  If anyone wants to go instead of
him it's at St Andrews Church in Brighton and the brides name is Angela.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.
'I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a compulsive liar. He's never been out of the yard'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Modern day weddings...

"Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your check book.
LOL I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia , and
he lives in  Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on
Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now
we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and
favourite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding!
Lots of love and thanks, from your favourite daughter. Lilly"

Lilly's Dad's reply:  (also texting... Dad has it all together)

"My Dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever! I suggest you two get
married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for
it all  through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell
him on Ebay!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Signs...

In a hotel:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)  ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR
CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON
THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An oldie which has not been improved on...


1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic
centred around the hole.


2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes
of different length than the pipe.


3. The ID (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside
diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.


4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that the water,
steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.


5. All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily
applied at the job site. Note: Some vendors are now able to supply
pre-rusted pipe.  If available in your area, product is recommended,
as it will save a great deal of time of the job site.


6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "Long Pipe"
clearly painted on each end so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.


7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "Long Pipe"
painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire
length of the pipe to determined wether or not it is long pipe or a short
pipe.


8. All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "Large Pipe"
painted on it sot eh contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.


9. Flanges must be used on all pipe.  Flanges must have holes in for bolts
quite separate from the big hole in the middle.


10.  When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degree elbows, be sure to
specify right hand or left hand: otherwise you will end up going the wrong
way.


11.  Be sure to specify to your vendor wether you want level, uphill or
downhill pipe.  If you use downhill pipe for going uphill,
the water will flow the wrong way.


12.  All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads, but
do not mix the threads, otherwise as the coupling is being screwed on one
pipe; it is unscrewed from the other.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


EqualsKeanuI Am WrathHello, My Name is DorisUdta PunjabThe Nice GuysFinding DoryA Hologram for the KingFinding Dory (3D)(IMAX)
Newsletter
Finding Dory (3D)
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