Newsletter and jokes: 22 April 2016

Hi all

We're about to have some weather here in the Cape ... 

Anway over at the movies, it's a mixed bag. This week's big release was not
so well received overseas, it may perform better here, while the film that
WAS well received is getting a smaller rollout. Go figure :-)

There's also a new Afrikaans film from Darrell Roodt, regret have not seen
the reviews but it has already won an award.

I've made a few tweaks to the site, let me know if anything is broken on
your end, I can't test on every possible platform.

Also note that due to the public holidays and excessive school days off next
week, the new movies are opening next Wednesday.

There are previews at selected venues next Tuesday for Mother's Day ... see 
the Previews page and remember to book.



M O V I E S

Releaseing 22 April 2016

* Demolition (16 LD)
* Irrational Man (13 SV)
* Barbershop: The Next Cut (13 L)
* The Huntsman: Winter's War (PG10-12 V)
* Verskietende Ster (PG10-12)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

The US and UK Top Tens. Industry news updated daily.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 27 April.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (poster for the gals)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just Think - If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history
that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, - Which do you want, son?

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns!

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store.

Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead
of the dollar bill?

The boy licked his cone and replied, Because the day I take the dollar, the
game is over!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Email... think before you act...

Hi Bill,

This is Alan next door. I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make
to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been
trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least
now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without
you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night,
when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been
getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation
was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you
will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't
happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

THE REACTION:

Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor
dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down
on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message
from his neighbor.

THE SECOND MESSAGE:

Hi Bill, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my
last text. I know you'll have figured it out anyway, but I'm sure you
noticed that my darned spell-check auto correct changed "WiFi" to
"Wife". Technology hey?!?

Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards, Alan.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to
see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a
series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at
the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results
back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious
deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."

"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?"

"It's a combination of Gonorrheae, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explains the
doctor. "My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to
do?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of Pizza, Pancakes,
Quesadillas and Pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under
the door."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rewriting the dictionary ...

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bloke loses both his ears in a particularly vicious rugby scrum. They get
trampled into the ground and no-one can find them. He visits a plastic
surgeon pleading for new ears. The surgeon says "I have no donor parts at
the moment to construct you some new ears, I'm afraid".

The bloke pleads with him to sort something out. The surgeon says that he
has two odd ears, one from a lurcher dog and one from a pig.

"It'll look a little weird" says the surgeon, "but they're better than
nothing at all."

The bloke agrees and has the surgery. He returns to see the surgeon a
fortnight later to tell him how it's going.

"This one," the bloke says pointing to the lurcher ear, "is bloody amazing.
I can hear people whistling five miles away!"

"But this one" he says pointing to the pigs ear, "has a bit of cracklin' in
it!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your s*x life
and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights
of theirs?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------