Newsletter and jokes: 1 April 2016

Hi all

There are no April Fool jokes in this edition....

Trust you all enjoed the Easter break. Feels kinda odd not having a long
weekend, but there's another one coming up at the end of the month.

A small lineup this week of middling quality, though I don't know what the 
new Afrikaans film is like. I'm sure it will find its market  :-)

No previews this week.

Boxoffice-wise, Batman v Superman broke all sorts of records, both here and
in the US, for a March release. However there are serious questions about
how well it is going to do going forward, with some fans raving about it and
others (as well as most critics) less than impressed. So this weekend is 
crucial for its survival, and Warner's game plan with the series.

M O V I E S

1 April 2016

* Ki & Ka (Hindi) 
* Modder en Bloed (13 LPV)
* Race (PG7-9 LP) 	
* Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (13 HV)
* Miss You Already (13 LS) 	

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US and UK Top Tens. I see the news feed has started working again.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 8 April.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (poster for the guys)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

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The Donald is elected president....

On the first night he spends in the White House, he is visited by the ghost
of George Washington.

He asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the  United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

He says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, he is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

He asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Do not bully the people."

He says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

He asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

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A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the
salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful,
leggy, busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000
asking price," said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for
$65,000 to the lovely young lady there.  You insisted there could be no
discount on this model."

"Well, what can I tell you?  She had the ready cash and, just look at her,
how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them
the keys.  "There you go," she said. "I told you I would get the dope to
reduce it.  See you later, Dad."

Never mess with the old uns!

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Donald Trump says he will put an end to the "unsustainable" mass migration
of birds to the US for the northern summer if he is elected President.

Trump told a packed rally in Arizona that the birds were taking advantage
of the current administration's weak border policies.

"Under President Obama, birds have been pouring across our borders
unabated. Just look out your window and you'll see them. All sorts of
birds. Birds from Mexico, birds from Chile. Birds that look nothing like
you or me.

"They're taking advantage of our way of life. They're taking our jobs, and
pooping all over our children. A lot of them, they come here just to have
babies - anchor babies - so they think they've got some kind of claim to
stay.

"Are we gonna stop this scam? You bet we are!

Asked how exactly he would stop the birds, Trump said he would make America
great again. "Look, we can bring back the American Dream. We're bringing it
back. People are asking me the question, "Is the American Dream dead?" And
it's in trouble, I can tell you. But we're going to get it back and do some
real jobs!.

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Irish Love Story

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs.  With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife
of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.

"No!" she said, "they're for the funeral."

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A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending
divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with
a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my
  husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we
don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like
the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything
about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"

"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a
divorce?

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my
husband does. The darn fool says he can't communicate with me."