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Newsletter and jokes: 25 March 2016



Hi all

Another long weekend, notorious for road deaths... hope you make it through.

A smaller lineup this week, headlined by Batman and Superman, which appears
to be finding more favour with the masses than with the critics.

There are previews next Thursday night at Sam Levy for the upcoming 
Bollywood rom-com Ki & Ka, see the previews page and remember to book.
I'm not sure if this one will be open to the public.

M O V I E S

24 March 2016

* Freeheld (PG10-12 LP) 	
* Rocky Handsome
* My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (PG10-12) 	
* Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (13 V)
* Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (3D) (13 V)
* Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (4DX) (13 V)
* Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (3D)(IMAX) (13 V)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US and UK Top Tens
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 1 April.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (full-HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your weekly philosphy lesson....

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can
be in a dressing gown... before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations.  I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and  I'm worried about
the 175 lbs I've gained since then.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they
just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

The speed with which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?"...is
inversely proportional to the severity of the trouble that's coming.

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're
in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need... not
all this, "How did you get into my house" business!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.  Pretty sure she's going
to get me something.

On average, an American man will have s*x two to three times a week.
Whereas, a Japanese man will have s*x only one or two times a year. This is
very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of
tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their
noses?

Money can't buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A catholic priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way
of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9.00 PM in the
evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.

Come 2.00 AM, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting
there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say:
'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the
cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2.00 AM they are both
still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter
comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid
your colleague who has left."

And then the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

When kids rewrite the Bible ....


1.   IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING
        THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS
          JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY,
           BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY
           THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A
        JEZEBEL LIKE  DELILAH

 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,
         WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

 8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
      AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN
COMMANDMENTS.

 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

  11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED
            THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON
            TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR.
           HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL
TIMES.

 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
           JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

  17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

  18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

  19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
            BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU.
            HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED
           TO GETTHE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY,
             WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

  25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Recently heard a sweet elderly lady saying a prayer:-

"Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me.

You have taken -- my favourite actor--- James Garner  
My favourite actress ---Lauren Bacall,
My favourite comedian --- Robin Williams,
My favourite singer --- Joe Cocker,

And finally, my favourite author, Tom Clancy.

I just wanted you to know, Lord, that my favourite politician is Jacob
Zuma.

Amen."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?" 

The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe 
they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what 
"opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. 
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they 
didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.

Did you hear about the man who was crushed by a pile of books?
He only has his shelf to blame.

Did you hear about the guys who stole all the Viagra from the pharmacy?
Police put out an alert for two hardened criminals.

Why was the Scottish man buried on the west side of the hill?
Because he was dead.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Better than calling LifeLine ....

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to
jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead
in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you
go?"

She screamed, "NO! Buzz off you filthy old man!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the
bottom then."

She didn't jump.........

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do train sets and breasts have in common?

A: They were both originally made for kids, but dads end up playing with
them!


   
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2Batman v Superman (3D)(IMAX)Rocky Handsome
Newsletter
Batman v SupermanBatman v Superman (4DX)FreeheldBatman v Superman (3D)
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