Newsletter and jokes: 11 March 2016

Hi all

As we head towards Easter and the school holidays, there's a full lineup at
the cinemas, as well as previews for three films opening next week. 

Zootropolis went straight to the top of the local box office, as well as in
the USA, where it set a March animated opening record.

In other news, local Afrikaans rom-com Vir Altyd is now the top-grossing
Afrikaans film of all time. Local film Love is a Four-Letter word is also
doing well.

This week has another Afrikaans film opening, as well as an art-house 
release from ex-South African director Gavin Hood.

The Hollywood releases look less promising, with the big release having had
a bad reception critically and financially overseas.

On the previews side, there are previews this weekend for Kung Fu Panda (2D
and 3D, Saturday and/or Sunday, depending on venue), screenings next 
Thursday at selected venues for upcoming Afrikaans drama Sink, and previews
all over Saturday and Sunday (regular and IMAX) for the next installment of 
The Divergent Series. See the previews page and remember to book.

M O V I E S

11 March 2016

* Triple 9 (16 LNV) 	
* Zoolander 2 (PG10-12 L)
* Safe Bet (PG10-12 L) 	
* Sonsykn Beperk (PG7-9 L)
* Eye in the Sky (13 V) 	
* The Young Messiah (PG10-12 V)
* Knight of Cups (13 LNS) 	
* The Other Side of the Door (13 H)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US and UK Top Tens
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 4 March.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for the guys)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

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Reported in 'The Guardian'recently;

A woman in her sixties had recovered from a serious operation and now the 
time had come for her to go home. The surgeon visited her to discuss does 
and don'ts once she was home. He asked if she had had a booklet of advice. 

She had. 

Had she read it? She had. 

Any questions? Just one: "It says that after six weeks, I can drive
a car, if I'm careful."

The surgeon agreed that this was so.

She replied, "Isn't the NHS wonderful; I've never driven a car in my life!"

God bless older people (and the NHS).

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Time is like a river.  You cannot touch the water twice, because the  flow
that has passed will never pass again.  Enjoy every moment of life.  As a
bagpiper, I play many gigs.  Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the South West
of Western Australia.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods of the South West, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hear*e was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men
for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place.  I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep.  They wept, I
wept, we all wept together.  When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car.  Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

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A man uploaded a photo of a cute German Sheppard pup, and it's been shared
thousands of times.
The ad reads:
This is Lexi, she's an 8 week-old German Sheppard, I bought Lexi as a
surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now
looking to find her a new home. Her name is Siobhan, she is 39 years old, a
beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good
house.

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The Queen & Dolly Parton Go To Heaven!

They Die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if
they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must
decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to
Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect
breasts God ever created,
And I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for
eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then
pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of
God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet
and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush Beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are.

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The Irish...

The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint
way with words.

Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room.
"I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to
feel like this if I was well!"

"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.

Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well-oiled and ready for trouble.
"Is that you Murphy?" called his wife.
"Byjasis! It damned well better be!"

Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from
the second floor scaffolding.
"Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above.
"To be sure I am," replied Murphy.
"You are such a liar, Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or
not!" called Gallagher.
"That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because
if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"

Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first
question.
"First, what's your name and occupation?" the compere asked.
"Pass", came the reply.

Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
"It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city
under the town hall clock."
Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove
up in a swank car.
"Where the hell did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman
picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes
off.
"She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.
"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."

PADDY... "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have
both of them."
"Three ?"  ... suggested Shaun.

Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large
bottle.
"What have you there?" asked a suspicious customs officer.
"Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.
The officer took the bottle and tried some. " Why it's Irish whiskey!" he
spluttered.
"Lord bless me!" said Paddy, "another miracle."

On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.
The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
"What's it for?" asked Paddy..
"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids," said the barman.
Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."

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