Newsletter and jokes: 4 March 2016

Hi all

A small lineup, featuring two very different animated movies, one for the 
kiddies or families, and the other for adults on the art circuit. The
adult one got an Oscar nom for best animated movie, while the kiddie one is 
expected to possibly set a new March Opening record for animated films in 
the USA.

Also up is the sequel to Olympus Has Fallen, which has had a rough reception
from the critics and may struggle at the box office.

Speaking of Oscar, congrats to Leo for finally getting his statue, and to
he and Alejandro González Iñárritu for pulling off the triple (Golden Globe,
BAFTA and Oscar) for The Revenant.

All the top Oscar movies are still on circuit, except Mad Max: Fury Road, 
which was actually the big winner (in terms of wins) on the night.

http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/oscars.htm

And not forgetting The Razzies... where Fifty Shades of Grey was the runaway
winner...
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/razzie.htm


M O V I E S

4 March 2016

* Zootropolis (PG)
* Zootropolis (3D) (PG) 
* London Has Fallen (16 LV)
* Anomalisa (13 LNSD)
* Jai Gangaajal  (Hindi)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US and UK Top Tens
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 4 March.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for the guys)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

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Don Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his
wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.
 
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to
record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
 
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
 
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."
 
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
 
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
banks of the river."
 
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his
extensive holdings, and as Don slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith,
your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have acc*mulated all
that property".
 
Sarah replies, "Property? The lazy jerk delivered newspapers!"

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Laywers and clients ... this is a rerun, but still....

 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
   _______________________________
 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
   ____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
   _____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
   _________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
   ___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
   ____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
   ___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
   ____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
   ___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
   _____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
   ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
  _________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
  _________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
  ____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
     ______________________________________
 
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The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they
were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following
were some of the winning entries:

1. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
2. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
3. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
4. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie
6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp
7. Gargoyle (n.), an olive flavoured mouthwash
8. Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver
9. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon
10. Flatulence (n.), an emergency vehicle that picks you up if you've been
run over by a steamroller
11. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
12. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
13. Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the
priesthood
14. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
15. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
17. Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck there

The Washington Posts Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader
who doesn't get it
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining s*x
4. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
5. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
6. Karmageddon: End of the world due to a build up of bad-vibes
7. Glibido: All talk and no action.
8. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
9. Intaxication: Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you
realise it was your money to start with.

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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he
hears:

Bump... BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of
an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him

FASTER... FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping.

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

On his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is
a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops .

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I was walking down George Street the other day when I saw an Afghan bloke
standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

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