Newsletter and jokes: 24 September 2015

Hi all

It feels like half the country is not at work today .... myself am 
struggling to be productive. And it's only three months to Christmas...

Anyway over at the movies it's a small lineup, with the second episode
of the Maze Runner series, an off-beat comedy, a sci-fi thriller, and a new
local drama.

On Tuesday there is a One Night Only release of Roger Waters doing the 
entire Pink Floyd "The Wall" at selected cinemas.

On the previews side, there are previews Saturday for Straight Outta Compton, 
Tuesday for the upcoming (and well-rated) Ridley Scott/Matt Damon's The
Martian, and Wednesday for local drama Ayanda. 
See the previews page and remember to book.


M O V I E S

24 September 2015

* Self/less (13 V) 	
* The Intern (PG7-9 DL)
* Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (13 VH) 	
* Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (3D) (13 VH) 	
* Necktie Youth (16 LSDP)

25 September 2015
* Kis Kisko Pyaar Karoon (Hindi)

29 September 2015
* Roger Waters the Wall

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US and UK Top Tens
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 2 October.

http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for the guys)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

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One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10
years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly
not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out
the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned
Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had
a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.. With that,
she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of
her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one,
lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man,
'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde
Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket
there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and
took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis
truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of
her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; 'Sweet
lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

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So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Victorian
farm and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, I need to inspect
your farm for your water allocation.

The old farmer says, Okay, but don't go in that paddock over there.
The Water representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal
Government with me. See this card?

This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural
land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old
farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and
close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The
Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his
tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your card! Show him your card!"

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I met this bird last night who was very ugly, I said "What's your name?"
"Tuesday" she replied. I said, "that's a strange name."
She said, "yeah, when I was born my mum and dad looked in the cot and said,
'I think we'd better call it a day.'"

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When she gets married, on arriving at the church the first thing the woman
will see is the aisle, next she will see the altar, and lastly she will
see him...and that's exactly what the horrible cow is thinking.... 
"Aisle Altar Him."

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I quit my job last week at the helium factory. I just didn't like being
spoken to in that tone of voice.

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Kids...


JACK (age 3) was watching his mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After
a while he asked: "Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for
cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so
old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you
must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mum good night. "I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain
to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mum explained
it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't
give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why
is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mum asked what
was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What
happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this mum will never forget.... this particular Sunday
sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven
and a rapturous look on his up turned face. "Without you, we are but
dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in
her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mum, what is butt dust?"

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