Newsletter and jokes: 18 September 2015

Hi all

My goodness, where do I begin... there's a huge lineup this week, and I mean
at the movies, not the rugby.

Maya the Bee Movie is opening in English 2D and 3D, as well as Afrikaans and
Zulu. There's a new Afrikaans rom-com, as well as action on Everest.

Also opening is The Perfect Guy, which trounced M. Night Shyamalan's The 
Visit at the US Box office last week, despite having poor ratings. 

On the previews side, there are previews all over on Sunday for the next
installment in the Maze Runner series, as well as two South African films
showing for one week only at single venues, to qualify them for next year's
Oscars. Curiously they are both by the same director, although very 
different (Ayanda and Dis Ek, Anna).

See the previews page and remember to book.

Note that this week is a short week, the new movies open next Thursday on
National Braai Day.

M O V I E S

18 September 2015

* The Perfect Guy (16 SV) 	
* Die Pro (PG10-12)
* Coming Home (PG7-9) 	
* Everest (PG7-9)
* Everest (3D) (PG7-9) 	
* Everest (3D)(IMAX)(PG7-9)
* Max (PG10-12 V) 	
* Katti Batti (Hindi)
* Maya the Bee Movie (A) 	
* Maya the Bee Movie (3D) (A)
* Maya die By Movie (A) 	
* uMaya Inyosi iMovie (A)
* We Are Your Friends (16 LD) 	

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US and UK Top Tens
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 24 September

http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for the gals)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

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Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar
stool.
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and
hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim'?
Jim agrees.
'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history, the
beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molson's
beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English -
they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

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I just wrote a book called 'Diseases in Cuttlefish', which is about six
quid.


I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check
her balance.
So I pushed her over.


Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
His mate replies, 'You're lucky ... Mine is still alive.'


A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; Buzz off, you won't bring it back.'

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A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde
genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy
makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by
50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and then begins to explore
the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down
and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing
there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him
outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a branch and hang him by
the neck until he is dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods
and it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one,
'Hey, I can understand the first wish having all those beautiful women in
a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a
millionaire, but wanting to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

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Two Irishmen were walking home from the pub.

One says to the other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all that way'.

'I know, but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus
home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot!'

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus, while the
other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the look-out shouts, 'What are you
doing?

Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 an we'll walk from the roundabout'!!

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A four-year old is learning to read.

He pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look Grandpa! It's a frickin' elephant!'

Grandpa took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' Elephant, Grandpa!

It says so on the picture!' ..... and so it does...


(Scroll down)


'A f r i c a n Elephant'