Newsletter and jokes: 24 July 2015

Hi all

Firstly an apology for the lack of Nu Metro showtimes... we're working on
getting them ASAP. 

This week's big release is Adam Sandler's Pixels, which has had a somewhat
controversial arrival, with embargoes on press coverage etc ...

On the postive side there are previews all over next Thursday for the 
upcoming Ant-Man, see the previews page and remember to book.

There are also Film Festivals still on at Musgrave and Gateway Nouveau.

M O V I E S

24 July 2015

* Pixels (10) 	
* Pixels (3D) (10)
* Pixels (3D)(IMAX) (10) 	
* Rudderless (13 L)
* Entourage (16 LNS) 	
* Kidnapping Freddy Heineken (16 L)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US and UK Top Tens
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 31 July

http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (wallpaper for the guys)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

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Air traffic control....

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir‚  have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"



O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles,
Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

=========================

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take 
the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 make a right at the lights and return to 
the airport."

=========================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich  overheard the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody war."

=========================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed,  rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the
Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got  on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make  it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let  the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have  enough parts for another  one."

==========================

While taxiing  at London 's Gatwick Airport , the  crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727.
An irate female  ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I  told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned  right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for  you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it 
right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she  was now shouting
hysterically:
"Now you've screwed  everything up!  It'll take forever to sort this
out! You  stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can  expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell  you, and how tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
c*ckpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an
unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I
married to you once?" 

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the
other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

 'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'

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A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are
running around having fun.  She takes pity on him and decides to speak to
him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
''Why?' says the blonde.
The boys says:

'Because I am the bloody goalie'

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After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but
I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be
mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said.

Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your
ancestors     may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on
both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have
s*x?" 

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past
year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

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