Newsletter and jokes: 3 July 2015

Hi all

Well Arnie is back again today, just like he said he would be. He didn't 
even try to hide the grey hair. The film seems to be one of those that will
appeal more to the masses than the critics though.

Also up is Channing Tatum without his shirt, and an award-winning French
drama on the art circuit.

On the previews side, there's previews all over all weekend for next week's
Minions, in both 2D and 3D. See the previews page and remember to book.

M O V I E S

3 June 2015

* Magic Mike XXL (16 L) 	
* Terminator Genisys (13 V)
* Terminator Genisys (3D)
* Terminator Genisys (3D)(IMA
* Two Days, One Night (PG7-9 L) 	
* Papanasam (Tamil)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US and UK Top Tens
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 26 June

http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (nice HD wallpaper)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. 

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him 
to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

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Lawyers...


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you s*xually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

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Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her
father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached
the altar and the waiting groom;  the bride kissed her father and placed
something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to
the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to
divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :

'Ladies and Gentlemen.  Today is the luckiest day of my life ...'

Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,  
'My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . .  But not
the poor Groom ! ! !

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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
least 5 pounds".

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
60lbs!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the skippin'".

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