Newsletter and jokes: 15 May 2015

Hi all

Sorry this is a bit late, was hoping to get the Cinema Nouveau top ten as 
well as the UK top ten but no such luck.

Pitch Perfect 2 clobbered Max Max at the box office last weekend, both here
and in the US... strange how big budgets and big stars don't always hit
the jackpot.

There's a very full lineup this week, unfortunately not all good, and no 
previews. Regardless, there's still plenty of other goodness on circuit to
enjoy :-)

M O V I E S

22 May 2015

* Hot Pursuit (PG10-12 V) 
* A Most Violent Year (16 LV)
* Tomorrowland (PG10-12 V)
* Tomorrowland (IMAX) (PG10-12 V)
* Accidental Love (PG10-12 LS)
* The Forger (16 L)
* Infinitely Polar Bear (PG10-12 LD)
* The Last Five Years (PG10-12 LS)
* Stone Cold Jane Austen (16 L) (South African)
* Tanu Weds Manu Returns (Hindi)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US and UK Top Tens
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 29 May

http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (for the guys)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

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Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new
one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with
his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me,
and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're
running for President of the United States.

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas
Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like
alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As
bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next
to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back
at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the
corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss
mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door "

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for
me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm
married!!"

Broken Coffee Table £239.99

Hot Breakfast £4.20

Two Aspirins £0.38

*Saying the right thing, at the right time* . . */_PRICELESS_/*

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A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this
experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you!

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Call centres...

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through
to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.


Caller:   'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'


Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to
the other side of the car?'


Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer:     'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer:     'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:     'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?'.
Customer:     'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.


Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:     'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'


Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?'.

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At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the
school.
They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they
painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1,2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

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