Newsletter and jokes 10 April 2015


 
Hi all 
 
Earlier this year Mr Grey and his 50 shades set a new box office opening 
weekend record in South Africa. And last weekend, Messrs Walker and Diesel 
trumped that with Fast & Furious 7, which also set assorted records  
overseas. In fact it has already made more money than the first four episodes 
combined. 
 
With a rather lacklustre lineup this weekend, it should continue to do well 
both here and internationally. 
 
On the previews side, there are previews all over all day Saturday and  
Sunday for the Liam Neeson thriller Run All Night,  see the Previews page  
and remember to book. 
 
 
M O V I E S 
 
10 April 2015 
 
* The Gunman (16 LV) 	 
* Black or White (PG10-12 LVD) 
* Spare Parts (PG7-9 V) 	 
* Robot Overlords (PG10-12 LV) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm  
 
SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit) 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
Added US and UK Top Tens 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm  
 
Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia) 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm  
 
Forthcoming attractions for 17 April 
 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm  
 
Updated the pic and quote on the home page 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/  
 
This Week's pinup 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (desktop for the gals)  
 
Pick of the Week 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm  
 
All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first. 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm  
 
List of all movies showing 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm  
 
Same list sorted by Age Restriction 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm  
 
Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating 
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm  
 
Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-) 
 
Cheers, Ian 
 
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders 
three mugs of Coors. 
 
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. 
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. 
 
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat 
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.." 
 
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an  
Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. 
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to 
remember the days when we drank together. 
 
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." 
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. 
 
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. 
 
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. 
 
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. 
 
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. 
 
When he comes back to  the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I 
don't want to  intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences 
on your loss." 
 
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes 
and he laughs. 
 
"Oh no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I 
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." 
 
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...." 
 
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I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my   wife, Vicky 
who was   looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far 
off I asked what she'd like for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight 
again', she replied, still looking   in the mirror . 
 
On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of 
Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I 
put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the 
Screaming   Roller Coaster, everything there was. 
 
Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling 
and her stomach felt upside   down. I then took her to a McDonald's and 
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. 
 
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite 
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! 
 
Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted. 
 
I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what 
was it like being eight again? 
 
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 
 
'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!' 
 
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it 
wrong. 
 
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The United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb. 
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, 
Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?' 
 
'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as 
he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.' 
 
'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take 
you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.' 
 
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I 
wear?' 
 
Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by 
the best designer in New York.' 
 
"Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and 
your friends like to eat.' 
 
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going 
to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I 
really want you to come.' 
 
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being 
sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new 
President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and 
says, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming 
President of the United States? 
 
The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do.' 
 
Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor'. 
 
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks 
him how he is feeling. 
 
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in 
surgery," he answered. 
 
"What did he say," asked the nurse. 
 
"OOPS" 
 
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A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. 
 
When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into 
his grandpa's room. 
 
 "Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into the  
room, make a noise like a frog!" 
 
What?" said his grandpa. 
 
"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, 
we're going to Disneyland!!!" 
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. 
 
A very attractive blonde woman from Tasmania arrived and bet 
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. 
 
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play 
topless.' 
 
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, 'Come 
on, baby, Tassie Girl needs new clothes!' 
 
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed 'YES! YES! 
I WON! I WON!' 
 
She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her 
clothes, and quickly departed. 
 
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 
'What did she roll?' 
 
The other answered, 'I don't know I thought you were watching.' 
 
Moral --- 
Not all Tasmanians are stupid. 
Not all blondes are dumb. 
But, all men are men. 
 
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre... 
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made 
it safely to his van. 
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. 
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an 
obvious error, he replied, 
"Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings... 
I had no Monet 
To buy Degas 
To make the Van Gogh" 
 
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. 
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse. 
 
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