Newsletter and jokes: 13 March 2015

Hi all

Another full lineup this week, including the new release from ex-SA director
Neill Blomkamp, which also features two of the members of Die Antwoord. 
It is mostly rather adult fare this week, but there is a limited release
for the kiddies too.

On the previews side, there are previews all over next Wednesday for new
SA film Ballade vir 'n Enkeling, and previews all over next Thursday for 
the second episode of the Divergent Series, Insurgent. Check the previews
page and remember to book.

M O V I E S

13 March 2015

* Nh10  (Bollywood)
* Chappie (16 LVD)
* Chappie (IMAX) (16 LVD)
* Focus (16 SLV) 	
* The Gambler (16 LV) 	
* The Cobbler (13 LV)
* Strange Magic (PG V) 	
* The Disappearance of Eleonor Rigby: Them (13 L)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US and UK Top Tens
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, Nu Metro, MovieZone, CineCentre, Movies@, Labia)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 20 March

http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (desktop for the gals)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

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Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the
floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir! The floor is still wet."

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It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the
front row.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

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A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

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JOKE OF THE YEAR:

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

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                    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns ...

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad
passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard
and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.
When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he
was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why
neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd
been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
Walter

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Two little kids are in Katoomba hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room - the first surgeries of the day. The
first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you 
lots of Jelly and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision"

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck mate. I had that done when I was
born. Couldn't walk for a year."

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What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

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Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around the 
hardware store when they collide.

The old guy says to the Young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.".

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife
too. I can't find her, and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter
top and no bra.

What does Your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

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